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Thursday, May 7, 2009

Are You Gelling?

It seems that the TV show House is on so many times per day that real life has begun to imitate it. During one episode, House and company had to figure out why a little girl was sick, and why her brother was having spastic outrages. Ultimately, House figured out the problem when he saw the dad's girlfriend's upper lip and realized she'd been fighting an army of invading mustache hairs.

The problem was steroid gel, which is used by men who want to be able to hit more homeruns ...I don't mean to be like A-Rod. I mean so they can get a Rod.

I read on CBS News today that the FDA put out a warning to adults who use this gel that they need wash their hands thoroughly and be very careful that children don't come in contact with the areas where it had recently been applied which, before you get grossed out, is usually on the shoulders and not the shaft. I find that odd... You rub something on your shoulder to make your penis stiff. Why doesn't it make your shoulder stiff?

The article said that the potential side effects were: "enlargement of the genital organs, aggressive behavior, early aging of the bones, premature growth of pubic hair, and increased sexual drive." Other side effects include: the development of Mickey Mouse hands, a lifetime membership to Gold's Gym, and a reduction in the ability to tie their shoes.

Parents need to be more responsible for their actions with regard to their child’s safety. Common sense should take care of most of this. If not, here are some steps to remember:
Step 1: apply gel
Step 2: Stay away from your kids
Step 3: have sex
Step 4: Rinse well and repeat as necessary

That should cover it. This will help keep your kid from looking like a Lou Ferrigno-midget. If you can't remember those simple steps then look on the bright side, at least other kids won't try to fuck with yours on the playground anymore.

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