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Am I a superhero? Or just a lunatic that wears a cape...and rants?

Thursday, May 28, 2009


I read about a study that was performed by a sex researcher named Rachel Jones claiming that, when used properly, the ever so taboo "pull-out" method of birth control, or as I so cleverly and disgustingly just decided to call it: the back off--on back method, is just as effective in reducing pregnancy as a condom is. My first instinct is disbelief.

Jones' conclusion is based on personal studies on monogamous couples who are not at risk of STD's, and who perform this act correctly, every time; and data generated by the Guttmacher Institute. The results? Well, according to Ms. Jones, with perfect use, withdrawal has a 4% failure rate, condoms have a 2%percent failure rate. She goes on to say, though, that nobody is perfect and the actual failure rates for these methods are 18% and 17% respectively. There is no way that there is only a 1% difference here.

Let’s ignore the fact that this study is ridiculous for a second and address the idea that condoms, during typical use, fail 17% of the time!! That seems like a ridiculously high and scary number to me.

Ok back to the main topic. Of course, since the release of this study, there has been tremendous backlash from a lot of different people (not just from abstinence only groups). Furthermore, there are plenty of studies with contradicting conclusions. So, I suppose the truth with regard to the effectiveness of this method literally lies in the hands of the penis-puller-outer as its all about aim and timing. Miss by and inch, miss by nine months.

There is a fear that surrounds promoting the "safety" of bare-backing it. The story tries to mitigate that fear by directing it towards monogamous couples only. However, many people believe this information will cause young adults/teens to be less responsible with sex, thereby causing more teen pregnancies. Personally, I'm not certain teens these days could be less responsible than they already are considering risky sexual activity among them is at an all time high.

Furthermore, no matter what information is out there and "what the data shows", people are going to do what ever they want to do, and are going to do "IT" in the manner they see fit. Anything short of an Enter At Your Own Risk sign fastened to a woman's pelvis is probably not going to cause a guy to think twice about throwing on a condom if he wasn't already going to. And to be honest, even that wouldn't work.

Perhaps a Surgeon General's warning detailing the potential side effects of a sexual-alleyway misfire would help.

WARNING: Using the pull-out method may be hazardous to the future of your wallet for the next 18 years. Pulling-out incorrectly may cause complications such as pregnancy, prolonged cancerous relationships, and high blood pressure.

Hey...it worked really well to reduce smoking, right?

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Kim Jong IL-Communication

So, North Korea just keeps testing more and more short-range missiles. And the United Nations in typical fashion keeps holding press conferences stating that this is not acceptable, it won't be tolerated, and the international community won't be intimidated...and then doing absolutely nothing to put an end to the testing. Oh, wait...I'm mistaken.

The U.N. DID pass a "non-binding statement of criticism" against North Korea's nuclear tests. Boy oh Boy those U.N. officials can really lay a smackdown on dictators who violate international laws - some people think waterboarding is harsh, but typing out a letter of disappointment...

If the U.N. continues to express these harsh public scoldings towards Pyongyang, then the North Koreans win. (~end sarcasm)

What a useless group of self-indulgent, pompous jackasses. There is no appeasing a guy like Kim Jong-Il. He's like an Asian Napoleon, only shorter and more strokey.

Many analysts believe these missile launches are just ploys to gain bargaining power for the six-party nuclear talks because talking and rationalization obviously works well when dealing with delusional psychopaths (look up NNPT).

Look, I'm not saying that North Korea poses the biggest threat in the world. In less than 60 seconds we could wipe them from the history books- I am not suggesting that this is a great idea either. But, there are only so many times you can put a misbehaving child like Ill-Jong on a time out before you gotta give him a little swat on the ass and take away his toys.

I really wish the powers that be can come up with ways to transform guys like Kim Jong-Il from tyrannical maniacs into rational and humane members of society, but I don't live in La-La-Land. In the meantime, real world problems need to be dealt with according to their threat. If it is determined that North Korea's firework show is less threatening than a sparkler, then stop giving Ill-Jong encouragement with all this News coverage. If it's determined that he could do more damage than an M-80 in a toilet bowl, then let’s squash him like the bug that he is and provide aide to the citizens of that shithole.

Either way, this creep needs to be monitored closely and dealt with in a manner that is less concerned with his feelings and more concerned with global security.

They Musta BEEn Swarming to Get the New World of Warcraft Expansion

The buzz about World of Warcraft is nothing new. Though I don't get what's so great about it personally, it generates something like $150,000,000 per month and has created an enormous community of people who would rather live in a fantasy world than in real life. Gamers infest their local video stores in swarms to snatch up the latest expansion pack releases of this garbage.

This weekend a GameStop store in Union Square, New York was swarmed by a different type of pest, a swarm of bees. These bees apparently had trapped employees inside and gamers locked outside for a few hours.

I would think that a scenario like this would be a geeky gamer-employee's dream as he would then be able to live out some sad live action role playing fantasy where he could finally stand against evil, wield the sword of a thousand truths, and destroy those miniature dragons; thus saving the World...of GameStop. This however is not how it played out. It seems that these employees were noobs when it came to taking action in real life as they instead cowered in the corner of the store until a bee specialist, Randy Marsh Tony Planakis, could be called in to drain the bees of their Mana...After the ordeal an employee was asked what he would do now to which he replied "Now I can finally play the game."

Friday, May 22, 2009

Real Men Wear Pink...And An M-60

In light of the upcoming Memorial Day weekend, I thought it would be fitting to give praise to our brave and honorable brothers and sisters in arms. Our soldiers rarely receive the gratitude they deserve, nor do they ask for it. It is their selflessness, courage, and their unrelenting bonds to one another that make them truly remarkable human beings.

In the News today, there is an article about one such individual, Specialist Zachery Boyd. Specialist Boyd is a soldier out of Fort Worth Texas who, like many of his fellow soldiers, is currently on the frontline fighting battles in Afghanistan.

As the story goes, on May 11th Boyd was asleep in his rack when the Taliban attacked his base and a firefight ensued. Awoken by the gunfire and only thinking of helping defend his post, he darted from his rack; grabbed his M-60, Flak jacket, and his Kevlar; and rushed out to the firing line to assist his brothers. Oh...did I mention he wasn't wearing any pants? That's right, no pants. Just a pair of pink I Love NY boxers, red t-shirt, and shower shoes.

That, my friends, is sensibility. No, I'm not talking about fashion. I mean, being abruptly woken up and having the wherewithal to grab only what is essential to assist in his mission...protecting his brothers.

Though this story is certainly more amusingly lighthearted than most stories of battle, the courage displayed is certainly not unique to that one day. Day in and day out our soldiers bravely face and overcome immeasurable struggles during battles in the name of Freedom. Let's not forget that. Specialist Boyd epitomizes this bravery in battle, and he managed to do the impossible...make pink boxers look tough.

Well done Specialist! We are indebted to our Armed Services. I wish a safe return home to you all.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

An Iron Fisting

I'll bet many of you out there will be shocked to hear a story involving rape and the Catholic Church as this notion seems inconceivable. I mean, a man of the cloth raping and beating young children? No way! Did I lay the sarcasm on thick enough here?

Well, it just so happens that yesterday, a News story unfolded about a Catholic "reform" school in Dublin where the priests were re-forming more than just the little boys minds. After a 9-year investigation, a 2,600 page report was released detailing decades of rape and physical abuse, allegedly perpetrated by the priests running the school, on the students (many of whom are now between the ages of 50-80). Furthermore, the report implicates the Catholic religious orders as knowingly covering up crimes committed by these priest-o-philes.

I am sure that some of you out there are not going to appreciate the cynicism in today's blog, but let's be honest; there are a lot of child molestation cases involving priests out there and, in them, the priests are not looking much like angels. It isn't my intention to vilify any religion or its followers as there are many important lessons to be learned from them. Unfortunately, the only lesson I can learn from a story like this is that Pedophiles Eat For Free At The Tabernacle.

I feel horrible for these people who have had to live with this shame. And due to the whole Irish Guilt thing, many of them probably felt like it was all their fault.

The thing I don't understand about this is how a priest can feel justified in offering a child morality and ethics with one hand and a handjob with the other hand. Is it just me or does that seem conflicting? I understand that the religious doctrines supersede the actions of man in the laws of faith and, therefore, should not be the main focus of scrutiny (for now); but priests with holy hard-ons make it that much harder more difficult for kids to find faith. How can we expect children to believe the mantras "God is good” and "God watches over us all" if that then means that God is watching them be beaten and molested? Whether you are a believer or a non-believer, it doesn't take divine knowledge to understand that this is a serious problem that needs to be addressed to restore faith, whether that be in faith in God or faith in humanity.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Can We Please Just Execute This Guy?

Yeah, I said it. I believe in the justice system, but every once in a while there comes along a person that needs to be put out of the Earth's misery. Today that man is 34-year old Angel Vidal Mendoza, a wheelchair ridden junkie from Bakersfield, California.

The charges against this vile waste of life? He allegedy got high on PCP, BIT his 4-year old son's left eye out, mutilated the other; and then proceeded to try to chop off his own limp legs with an axe. Reason enough for the death penalty? I think so, but with over well 600 people on Death Row in California, it is unlikely that this son of a bitch will see the fate that fits him.

I suggest that the state circumvents this problem by sitting this guy and his chair in a puddle and wiring it up to a light switch.

How is this poor little kid going to be expected to become a productive member of society?

I really don't even have anything else to say about this.

I Ain't Sayin She's A Gold Digger

In what may just be the most fantastic Sports News story involving the Mets since Bill Buckner, a fan a Citi Field had to be rescued from the lady's bathroom yesterday after she got her arm stuck in the toilet.

The unidentified woman's arm became lodged in the toilet's drain when she attempted to stop one of her gold teeth from being flushed. This is just disgusting and hilarious all at the same time. This moron literally tried to dig her tooth from a public toilet. Gross! I wouldn't put my hand in my own toilet if the cure for colon cancer was swirling towards the sewers to be lost forever, let alone reach into a public one for molar that wouldn't even be worth its weight in gold to the Tooth Fairy.

What was she going to do if she got it? Put it back in her mouth? Her dentist would certainly tell her she needed to floss more during her next visit...ok, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I wonder if her dental insurance covers stupidity.

Anyway, this genius was sitting there on the bathroom floor with her hand stuck in the commode screaming for help, and because it has an automatic trigger, it kept flushing. I imagine it looked sort of like the toilet, in an attempt to find out where the rest of the gold was hidden, was subjecting her arm to Chinese_Water_Torture. Security came to help her but could not break her free from the drain. So, they called in a plumber who I'm guessing used a giant plunger and industrial strength Drano to dislodge her...or not. All I wanna know is where is the Youtube video of this?

I wonder if this lady is going to try to sue the Mets organization. She might be able to hire one of the idiot ACLU lawyers that are leveraging those waterboarding cases.

Thursday, May 14, 2009


It seems over the past few days there has been a running theme in my blog. That theme, pointing out the madness that is Japanese invention.

The Boobie prize for today's madness goes to the inventor of the Husband-Hunting Bra. This bewildering boulder holder is more than just a bewildering holder of boulders. It comes equipped with its very own biological clock that will continuously count down until the woman wearing it gets engaged and sticks the engagement ring in a slot between her...boobs. Seriously, this thing looks like a Taliban-merchandiser’s attempt at a sexy-suicide vest marketed towards female Jihadists.

I can only assume that if the woman wearing this bra doesn't get engaged before the clock strikes zero, her eggs, in an attempt to die with honor, would commit Seppuku and the bra-cups would viciously Tune In Tokyo like some sort of crazy Saw movie scenario.

The inspiration for this ticking tit time-bomb appears to be the increasingly lower marriage rates in Japan. I don't see how a woman wearing a clock of desperation would more ably secure a husband then one who say...wore no bra at all. If they really wanted to make these things appealing to men they should add more functions to the clock. Perhaps a screen on which to play Call of Duty, or maybe equip it with Wi-Fi so we could get updated sports scores. (Was that overtly degrading enough to make my point about how ridiculous this product is?)

Women all over Japan are showing their support for this supporter. I guess the lesson learned here is that Japanese men can no longer get their milk for free.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The Teach-inator

If there is one thing that Sci-fi films have taught me, its that the complete takeover and extermination of human civilization by machines is not only inevitable, but long overdue. And when the time comes, we will have Japan to thank for it all.

In an attempt not to be outdone by this guy with his robotic girlfriend, Aiko, a group of developers in Tokyo, who are obviously working for Skynet, have created Saya; a sophisticated robot programmed to be a substitute elementary school teacher.

I can only imagine that Kyle Reese is rolling around in his grave right now as we are seemingly one step closer to Judgment Day. Though Saya is far from fully functional, and not nearly as pretty as Aiko (...umm what?) "she" has been a big hit in the classrooms. Robo-teach is really just a puppet being controlled by what I can only assume is a teacher who was too lazy to change out of her pajamas and get to work. BUT this is how it always begins...Pretty soon we'll be so reliant on machines for everything, we will become obsolete.

The good News in all of this is that the logical next invention to come about is time travel; which we will need to utilize in order to send someone back to stop the creation of these electronic educators. Personally, I can't wait for that because I always wished I had seen The Terminator in the theater... and that might be my only chance.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

For The Love Of Mommy ...Money

Enter, 61 year-old Penelope Sharon Jordan of Florida.

In response to an odd disturbance call, local police arrived at Jordan's home to find a bunch of cats hanging around one of the bedroom windows. Upon entering the house, they found the decaying body of Jordan's mother. Crazy? Just keep reading.

In what sounds like something from an Alfred Hitchcock movie, Jordan told the police that her mother had died in 2003. 2003! That means that she's been keeping her mother's rotting corpse in a bed in her house for 6 years. Can we say Psycho?

Now is that love or what? Well, not exactly. Though the loss of a loved one can be very difficult to handle, for some, the loss of the loved one's income can be more difficult. It seems that Jordan had been keeping her Mummy's...That’s, mommy's death a secret in order to continue to collect her Social Security and military survivor's benefits to the tune of $200,000. That sounds rational to me...200 grand is a lot of money.

Needless to say, she is being indicted, but the weird thing about the article is it doesn't say anything about the stench that this lady's corpse must have been letting off; which I can only imagine smelled something like fresh cut roses in the Spring-time...that were placed next to a SIX-YEAR-OLD CORPSE! Yuck.

How is it that there is no mention of the stench other than the allusion that this sweet smell is what drew the cats to the house in the first place. I mean, did the cops on the case have a cold? Because I'm pretty sure that decaying flesh could probably clear up you sinuses. If only she had taken a cue from Norman Bates and hid her mother in the fruit cellar. That might have kept the cats away and the checks a'coming.

Personally, I'd be waay to scared to keep a dead body in my house. Not out of fear of being caught. But because I watch waay too many Horror movies and would be nervously awaiting a zombie apocalypse.


Monday, May 11, 2009

Well...Breakfast IS The Most Important Meal

Last week, I featured a story about a restaurant in California that found the image of the Virgin Mary burned into a pancake griddle and caused a big stir amongst believers in breakfast food miracles.

The attention that Mary got over the past week must have ruffled some feathers as it seems that GOD, in an effort to show up Mary, has appeared in , not one, but 3 pieces of fried salami in South Florida. Well he didn't show up per se, he instead tagged each piece with a letter, spelling out his name.

The real miracle here is that Nancy Simoes, the woman who discovered this appearance, happened to flip over the salami in the correct order to spell out his name. There would have been some terrible confusion and no doubt an explosion of Canine Worshipping Cults had the woman picked up the salami in the reverse order.

Simoes, obviously devoutly religious, said that she is planning on selling the salami on Ebay to try to profit from this 'miracle'. I wonder if she will donate 10% of the remaining salami to the church as a tithing.

Strangely enough, I witnessed an anti-miracle while I was eating breakfast this morning. Lucifer appeared in my Alphabits Cereal. I wonder what I could get for that...OH NO!! I used a double-coupon to buy the cereal...does that mean I sold my soul?

Friday, May 8, 2009

This Is Your Mom's Brain On Drugs

A woman in Oklahoma was sentenced yesterday to 10 years for being a despicable human being. More specifically, Caroline Beavers, a disgusting pig and 'mother' to a 7-year-old boy with Downs Syndrome, was sentenced for allowing another filthy pig to blow weed smoke into her son's face; all while video taping it so they could enjoy the abuse late and at their leisure.

Morons!! Ok, before I tirade about how badly this burned-out broad and her trashy friend need to be removed from society, first I'd like to ask the following: when are criminals going to figure out you shouldn't video tape yourself committing a crime?

Okay, with this particular brand of stupid and unbelievably tasteless there really isn't anything funny...

I know you can't control who breeds and who doesn't, but seriously, can there be some exceptions? Here is my suggestion:

If you have been convicted of a serious crime involving the endangerment of children, then you don't get to have kids. Plain and simple

If you have murdered someone...no kids

Pedophiles...no kids

You don't agree with me...no kids! Alright, maybe that's taking it too far and when we aren't careful, that's how blanket rulings like that get out of hand.

Anyway, these two slobs are just two more people that I believe wouldn't be missed. Good riddance...you're lucky its not 100 years.

He Used To Love Her, But He Had To Kill Her

In what has always seemed to me like the biggest open and shut murder case since Detective Nordberg killed that cocktail waitress for sleeping around with that out-of-work model, police have finally charged Drew Peterson with the murder of his 3rd wife Kathleen Savio.

At first, the police thought the drowning death of Savio was an accident. Not to say that the officers on the case were negligent, but I suspect the crime scene conversation went something like this:

41 year old female. Found drowned in her bathtub. We found Saran Wrap over her mouth and nose, a boot print on her chest, and an electric cord - one end leading to a toaster in the water, the other into an outlet. Obviously accidental. No foul play.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't that obvious, but it took the disappearance of Peterson's 4th wife (Stacy) before the cops revisited Savio's drowning as a possible homicide.

The most amazing thing about the entire case is how shamelessly cocky Peterson has been throughout these investigations. He has turned himself into somewhat of a celebrity. Appearing on talk shows, being followed by paparazzi, dating hot young chicks with daddy-complexes and a penchant for being masticated.

Recently, Peterson was even going to start working for the Cathouse brothel in Vegas which is the dream gig for an old man who likes to sleep with and then kill young girls. For one, its probably waay easier to just dig a hole in the desert than it was for him to stage a drowning. Besides, what happens in Vegas, blah-blah-blah.

The problem is, that the cops still don't really have any evidence connecting Peterson to the murder, and his lawyer will probably use the Chewbacca defense so he'll walk.

"Ladies and gentleman of this supposed blog, the cops would like you to believe that Drew killed those stinky bitches years ago, and they make a good case. I almost felt pity myself... (Think about this though)Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. That does not make senses... None of this makes sense...If Chewbacca live on Endor, you must acquit"

Hey everybody..."look at the monkey." Man, I hope this guy fries...even if by some odd chance he didn't do it, he's a remorseless scumbag.

(Quote and picture modified from: South Park, 1998)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Are You Gelling?

It seems that the TV show House is on so many times per day that real life has begun to imitate it. During one episode, House and company had to figure out why a little girl was sick, and why her brother was having spastic outrages. Ultimately, House figured out the problem when he saw the dad's girlfriend's upper lip and realized she'd been fighting an army of invading mustache hairs.

The problem was steroid gel, which is used by men who want to be able to hit more homeruns ...I don't mean to be like A-Rod. I mean so they can get a Rod.

I read on CBS News today that the FDA put out a warning to adults who use this gel that they need wash their hands thoroughly and be very careful that children don't come in contact with the areas where it had recently been applied which, before you get grossed out, is usually on the shoulders and not the shaft. I find that odd... You rub something on your shoulder to make your penis stiff. Why doesn't it make your shoulder stiff?

The article said that the potential side effects were: "enlargement of the genital organs, aggressive behavior, early aging of the bones, premature growth of pubic hair, and increased sexual drive." Other side effects include: the development of Mickey Mouse hands, a lifetime membership to Gold's Gym, and a reduction in the ability to tie their shoes.

Parents need to be more responsible for their actions with regard to their child’s safety. Common sense should take care of most of this. If not, here are some steps to remember:
Step 1: apply gel
Step 2: Stay away from your kids
Step 3: have sex
Step 4: Rinse well and repeat as necessary

That should cover it. This will help keep your kid from looking like a Lou Ferrigno-midget. If you can't remember those simple steps then look on the bright side, at least other kids won't try to fuck with yours on the playground anymore.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Hey...Who Ordered the Vanilla Shake?

I try not to think about it too much when I go to restaurants, but somewhere in the back of my head there is an imagination reel streaming a video where the cooks screw with my food. I don't know if it started with the movie Waiting, but it certainly didn't help.

Speaking of screwing and food, I read an article yesterday on NBC news that a 7-year-old girl in Switzerland found a CONDOM in her McDonald's fries essentially turning her Happy Meal into a Happy-Ending Meal. Yuck! A Happy Meal with a free condom. That's like a pedophile's starter kit...van not included. Talk about gross.

When they find the disgrace that thought it would be funny to replace the My Little Pony with a Trojan in a kids Happy Meal, they should charge him/her with some sort of perversion crime and lock him/her away for a long time! Okay, I'm sure it wasn't a My Little Pony toy but it helped the joke so go with it.

The article says that police are analyzing the condom to determine if it poses a health risk. Poses a health risk? The only two scenarios where I can see this being the case are A: If the girl is allergic to latex, or B: The condom was used which introduces the chance of person to person disease transmission AND increases the level of GROSS! The article does not, however, include some important details.

It says the little girl discovered the condom, but I don't think that a normal 7-year old knows what that is...so, is she just terribly over educated about sex, or did she discover what she thought was a balloon?

Also, it doesn't say whether or not the condom was used. If it was then maybe they should take a few notes from one of the 200 CSI shows on TV and analyze the secret sauce.

No matter how this story unfurls, someone needs to be held accountable, unless McDonalds decides to adopt this idea and turn it into a meal. They can call it the new McRibbed...for your stomachs pleasure

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Stand Still Lest You Break Your Hymen

Reuters reported today that in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia(home of our great 'allies') the Ministry of Municipal and Rural Affairs started a movement to shut down women's gyms. What would cause them to want to do this? Well, other than the fact that they are, in a psychological sense, a few virgins short of a harem over there, members of the Ministry are afraid that with all of the physical activity inside these gyms, females will be at risk of breaking things.

Namely, their hymens.

Ministry member Sheikh Abdullah al-Maneea stated "excessive movement may harm girls who are still virgins, possibly causing them to lose their virginity." Thus, I guess, making them impure and no longer marriage material.

What I've learned from this story is that Saudi's don't care how out of shape their women are as long as they weren't screwed by a jumping-jack.

Women in the region have been resisting this ridiculous movement against them, but I think that any resistant action short of them racing a bunch of camels bare-back won't be enough.


In a semi-related story from the same region a 50 year old man has decided to divorce his NINE-YEAR-OLD wife. Not because she is NINE and he is a disgusting predator. And not because the laws over there prohibit a man from marrying someone who was negative 41-years old when he was born- because they don't.

The decision to divorce was made due to criticism he was facing from the rag-tag group of morons otherwise known as the United Nations (finally doing something at least partially right). The marriage contract was set up by this poor girl’s father when she was 8. Nothing says love like a father trading his daughter to a man old enough to be HIS father.

Apparently there are no age restrictions with regard to marriage contracts. Luckily there is a law that says "he would not be permitted to live with her or consummate the marriage until she had reached puberty” Yeah...that makes it all better. Seems to me this pervert just didn't want to wait a couple of years.

So what is there to learn from this?

First, I know it isn't 'PC' but some cultures are just about as backwards as you can get...

Second, that it is probably WAAAAY better to join a gym and hope for a grand 'pop', then to be sold into what is practically child slavery and be violated by a Grandpop.


Monday, May 4, 2009

Our Lady of GRIDDLE-Lupe

Just as churches reach their all time low for religious service attendance and atheism reaches its all time high for deity denial, the truth has been revealed. That revelation happened just two days ago in Calexico, California where Our 'Lady of Guadalupe' manifested on a pancake griddle at the Las Palmas Restaurant.

I know what you are thinking...you're not doubting the Virgin Mary's return, but you refuse to believe that the mother of immaculate conception would appear as a stain on a griddle used to make breakfast pastries first created by Ancient Roman Pagans. Talk about blaspheming!

Ah..but it is true. According to the Associated Press, the Virgin Mary really gets around. After her failed attempts to gain notoriety for appearing on toast and in the form of a twisted pretzel, Mary was running out of options. But rather than calling in a favor to Hef, or working with Barrie Bernstein to spin the new reality TV show Real Housewives of Nazareth, Mary creped...ummm that's "creeped", into the Las Palmas and burned herself right into the restaurant's griddle.

I'd bet my last silver dollar that this is, in fact, not the Virgin Mary, but there are people who have come to Las Palmas in short stacks to see this so called miracle, which has since been enshrined, who would disagree with me...people like Mexican Lucha Libre wrestlers Renegado and Mr. Tempest, who are likely also fryers...I mean FRIARS, which I learned from Jack Black is sometimes the case. So maybe they know what they are talking about.

Look, I am not saying anything for or against the religious beliefs of others. I am just saying that anyone who believes that the mother of the son of the God in their religion, would appear on a griddle in some crummy restaurant, in a town next to nowhere, rather than, say, on the stage of the American 'Idol' finale, is stupid.