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Am I a superhero? Or just a lunatic that wears a cape...and rants?

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Getting a New Mattress Is A Serious Waste Of Money

Today's ridiculous news story is out of Tel Aviv, Israel where a woman literally threw out her money with her mattress...is that a saying or is it only babies and bathwater?

Anyway, as the story goes, the woman, Anat, wanted to do something nice for her elderly mother so she surprised her with a brand new mattress. As any normal person would do, she threw out her mother's old one. She also, however, threw out her mother's $1 million life savings. Now the woman is apparently in a frantic state, tearing apart the local landfills, searching for Sealy's Shekel-pedic.

Ok, a few thoughts come to mind.

First, was her mother a drug dealer or a cartoon bank robber? It had to be one of the two because no one builds a life savings at Sleepy's Mattresses, Savings, & Loans. Then again I suppose any savings plan is better than what they offer at the West Bank (eew...that was just terrible)

Second, if she did indeed have that much money in her mattress and she recovers it, I'm pretty sure that the Israeli Federal Government is going to quickly snatch her up for tax evasion and take their 46% cut.

Third, if she has been sleeping on a mattress full of cash her whole life, then this lady's back must be tied in more knots than if Irina Vashchenko and Joseph Merrick had conjoined twins. I can't imagine that sleeping one a million bucks could possible make you wake up feeling like a million bucks, though I may be ready for the challenge.

Fourth, how incredibly shitty is this lady's timing that she threw away the old mattress and it was taken by the garbage men before her mother even realized what she'd done? She must have literally been running to the curb as they pulled up...which then calls into question whether this lady has the superhuman strength (like yours truly) necessary to run with a mattress in tow.

She is now searching through a dump that receives more than 2,500 tons of garbage per day and the landfill had to hire security to scare off hopeful Landfill Lottery winners. All I know is, she better find it soon because I am dusting off my cape (on Expedia) for a quick trip to Judea to do some "soul searching". The only question now is, do I need to check my shovel or is it carry-on?

Hopefully, I will emerge a millionaire! Until my return I bid you all Good night, Sleep Tight, and don't let the Ben Franklins bite. :)


  1. Can I come with? I'm desperate to not be working at the moment.

  2. I wanted to correct you the whole John v Joseph (believing I was an authority what with the name and all) but instead it turns out that I'm the asshole. Thanks for being the thing I learned today- now I can call it a full day!

  3. No probs. I only learned his real name was Joseph after I looked him up for the story.


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