Well...Breakfast IS The Most Important Meal

Last week, I featured a story about a restaurant in California that found the image of the Virgin Mary burned into a pancake griddle and caused a big stir amongst believers in breakfast food miracles.

The attention that Mary got over the past week must have ruffled some feathers as it seems that GOD, in an effort to show up Mary, has appeared in , not one, but 3 pieces of fried salami in South Florida. Well he didn't show up per se, he instead tagged each piece with a letter, spelling out his name.

The real miracle here is that Nancy Simoes, the woman who discovered this appearance, happened to flip over the salami in the correct order to spell out his name. There would have been some terrible confusion and no doubt an explosion of Canine Worshipping Cults had the woman picked up the salami in the reverse order.

Simoes, obviously devoutly religious, said that she is planning on selling the salami on Ebay to try to profit from this 'miracle'. I wonder if she will donate 10% of the remaining salami to the church as a tithing.

Strangely enough, I witnessed an anti-miracle while I was eating breakfast this morning. Lucifer appeared in my Alphabits Cereal. I wonder what I could get for that...OH NO!! I used a double-coupon to buy the cereal...does that mean I sold my soul?

This Is Your Mom's Brain On Drugs

A woman in Oklahoma was sentenced yesterday to 10 years for being a despicable human being. More specifically, Caroline Beavers, a disgusting pig and 'mother' to a 7-year-old boy with Downs Syndrome, was sentenced for allowing another filthy pig to blow weed smoke into her son's face; all while video taping it so they could enjoy the abuse late and at their leisure.

Morons!! Ok, before I tirade about how badly this burned-out broad and her trashy friend need to be removed from society, first I'd like to ask the following: when are criminals going to figure out you shouldn't video tape yourself committing a crime?

Okay, with this particular brand of stupid and unbelievably tasteless there really isn't anything funny...

I know you can't control who breeds and who doesn't, but seriously, can there be some exceptions? Here is my suggestion:

If you have been convicted of a serious crime involving the endangerment of children, then you don't get to have kids. Plain and simple

If you have murdered someone...no kids

Pedophiles...no kids

You don't agree with me...no kids! Alright, maybe that's taking it too far and when we aren't careful, that's how blanket rulings like that get out of hand.

Anyway, these two slobs are just two more people that I believe wouldn't be missed. Good riddance...you're lucky its not 100 years.

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He Used To Love Her, But He Had To Kill Her

In what has always seemed to me like the biggest open and shut murder case since Detective Nordberg killed that cocktail waitress for sleeping around with that out-of-work model, police have finally charged Drew Peterson with the murder of his 3rd wife Kathleen Savio.

At first, the police thought the drowning death of Savio was an accident. Not to say that the officers on the case were negligent, but I suspect the crime scene conversation went something like this:

41 year old female. Found drowned in her bathtub. We found Saran Wrap over her mouth and nose, a boot print on her chest, and an electric cord - one end leading to a toaster in the water, the other into an outlet. Obviously accidental. No foul play.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't that obvious, but it took the disappearance of Peterson's 4th wife (Stacy) before the cops revisited Savio's drowning as a possible homicide.

The most amazing thing about the entire case is how shamelessly cocky Peterson has been throughout these investigations. He has turned himself into somewhat of a celebrity. Appearing on talk shows, being followed by paparazzi, dating hot young chicks with daddy-complexes and a penchant for being masticated.

Recently, Peterson was even going to start working for the Cathouse brothel in Vegas which is the dream gig for an old man who likes to sleep with and then kill young girls. For one, its probably waay easier to just dig a hole in the desert than it was for him to stage a drowning. Besides, what happens in Vegas, blah-blah-blah.

The problem is, that the cops still don't really have any evidence connecting Peterson to the murder, and his lawyer will probably use the Chewbacca defense so he'll walk.

"Ladies and gentleman of this supposed blog, the cops would like you to believe that Drew killed those stinky bitches years ago, and they make a good case. I almost felt pity myself... (Think about this though)Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. That does not make senses... None of this makes sense...If Chewbacca live on Endor, you must acquit"

Hey everybody..."look at the monkey." Man, I hope this guy fries...even if by some odd chance he didn't do it, he's a remorseless scumbag.

(Quote and picture modified from: South Park, 1998)

Are You Gelling?

It seems that the TV show House is on so many times per day that real life has begun to imitate it. During one episode, House and company had to figure out why a little girl was sick, and why her brother was having spastic outrages. Ultimately, House figured out the problem when he saw the dad's girlfriend's upper lip and realized she'd been fighting an army of invading mustache hairs.

The problem was steroid gel, which is used by men who want to be able to hit more homeruns ...I don't mean to be like A-Rod. I mean so they can get a Rod.

I read on CBS News today that the FDA put out a warning to adults who use this gel that they need wash their hands thoroughly and be very careful that children don't come in contact with the areas where it had recently been applied which, before you get grossed out, is usually on the shoulders and not the shaft. I find that odd... You rub something on your shoulder to make your penis stiff. Why doesn't it make your shoulder stiff?

The article said that the potential side effects were: "enlargement of the genital organs, aggressive behavior, early aging of the bones, premature growth of pubic hair, and increased sexual drive." Other side effects include: the development of Mickey Mouse hands, a lifetime membership to Gold's Gym, and a reduction in the ability to tie their shoes.

Parents need to be more responsible for their actions with regard to their child’s safety. Common sense should take care of most of this. If not, here are some steps to remember:
Step 1: apply gel
Step 2: Stay away from your kids
Step 3: have sex
Step 4: Rinse well and repeat as necessary

That should cover it. This will help keep your kid from looking like a Lou Ferrigno-midget. If you can't remember those simple steps then look on the bright side, at least other kids won't try to fuck with yours on the playground anymore.

Hey...Who Ordered the Vanilla Shake?

I try not to think about it too much when I go to restaurants, but somewhere in the back of my head there is an imagination reel streaming a video where the cooks screw with my food. I don't know if it started with the movie Waiting, but it certainly didn't help.

Speaking of screwing and food, I read an article yesterday on NBC news that a 7-year-old girl in Switzerland found a CONDOM in her McDonald's fries essentially turning her Happy Meal into a Happy-Ending Meal. Yuck! A Happy Meal with a free condom. That's like a pedophile's starter kit...van not included. Talk about gross.

When they find the disgrace that thought it would be funny to replace the My Little Pony with a Trojan in a kids Happy Meal, they should charge him/her with some sort of perversion crime and lock him/her away for a long time! Okay, I'm sure it wasn't a My Little Pony toy but it helped the joke so go with it.

The article says that police are analyzing the condom to determine if it poses a health risk. Poses a health risk? The only two scenarios where I can see this being the case are A: If the girl is allergic to latex, or B: The condom was used which introduces the chance of person to person disease transmission AND increases the level of GROSS! The article does not, however, include some important details.

It says the little girl discovered the condom, but I don't think that a normal 7-year old knows what that is...so, is she just terribly over educated about sex, or did she discover what she thought was a balloon?

Also, it doesn't say whether or not the condom was used. If it was then maybe they should take a few notes from one of the 200 CSI shows on TV and analyze the secret sauce.

No matter how this story unfurls, someone needs to be held accountable, unless McDonalds decides to adopt this idea and turn it into a meal. They can call it the new McRibbed...for your stomachs pleasure

Stand Still Lest You Break Your Hymen

Reuters reported today that in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia(home of our great 'allies') the Ministry of Municipal and Rural Affairs started a movement to shut down women's gyms. What would cause them to want to do this? Well, other than the fact that they are, in a psychological sense, a few virgins short of a harem over there, members of the Ministry are afraid that with all of the physical activity inside these gyms, females will be at risk of breaking things.

Namely, their hymens.

Ministry member Sheikh Abdullah al-Maneea stated "excessive movement may harm girls who are still virgins, possibly causing them to lose their virginity." Thus, I guess, making them impure and no longer marriage material.

What I've learned from this story is that Saudi's don't care how out of shape their women are as long as they weren't screwed by a jumping-jack.

Women in the region have been resisting this ridiculous movement against them, but I think that any resistant action short of them racing a bunch of camels bare-back won't be enough.

*****

In a semi-related story from the same region a 50 year old man has decided to divorce his NINE-YEAR-OLD wife. Not because she is NINE and he is a disgusting predator. And not because the laws over there prohibit a man from marrying someone who was negative 41-years old when he was born- because they don't.

The decision to divorce was made due to criticism he was facing from the rag-tag group of morons otherwise known as the United Nations (finally doing something at least partially right). The marriage contract was set up by this poor girl’s father when she was 8. Nothing says love like a father trading his daughter to a man old enough to be HIS father.

Apparently there are no age restrictions with regard to marriage contracts. Luckily there is a law that says "he would not be permitted to live with her or consummate the marriage until she had reached puberty” Yeah...that makes it all better. Seems to me this pervert just didn't want to wait a couple of years.

So what is there to learn from this?

First, I know it isn't 'PC' but some cultures are just about as backwards as you can get...

Second, that it is probably WAAAAY better to join a gym and hope for a grand 'pop', then to be sold into what is practically child slavery and be violated by a Grandpop.

eeeew....

Our Lady of GRIDDLE-Lupe

Just as churches reach their all time low for religious service attendance and atheism reaches its all time high for deity denial, the truth has been revealed. That revelation happened just two days ago in Calexico, California where Our 'Lady of Guadalupe' manifested on a pancake griddle at the Las Palmas Restaurant.

I know what you are thinking...you're not doubting the Virgin Mary's return, but you refuse to believe that the mother of immaculate conception would appear as a stain on a griddle used to make breakfast pastries first created by Ancient Roman Pagans. Talk about blaspheming!

Ah..but it is true. According to the Associated Press, the Virgin Mary really gets around. After her failed attempts to gain notoriety for appearing on toast and in the form of a twisted pretzel, Mary was running out of options. But rather than calling in a favor to Hef, or working with Barrie Bernstein to spin the new reality TV show Real Housewives of Nazareth, Mary creped...ummm that's "creeped", into the Las Palmas and burned herself right into the restaurant's griddle.

I'd bet my last silver dollar that this is, in fact, not the Virgin Mary, but there are people who have come to Las Palmas in short stacks to see this so called miracle, which has since been enshrined, who would disagree with me...people like Mexican Lucha Libre wrestlers Renegado and Mr. Tempest, who are likely also fryers...I mean FRIARS, which I learned from Jack Black is sometimes the case. So maybe they know what they are talking about.

Look, I am not saying anything for or against the religious beliefs of others. I am just saying that anyone who believes that the mother of the son of the God in their religion, would appear on a griddle in some crummy restaurant, in a town next to nowhere, rather than, say, on the stage of the American 'Idol' finale, is stupid.