The Caped Tirader!

The State of The Union

2010-02-06T17:48:00.001-05:00

Hey Tiraders,

This is just a few verses I put together. Before you read this please know that I am not anti-government or anything. I just think they need to be kept in check. :)

The State Of The Union

The media's got a stronghold on society

You might choose the flavor, but they choose the variety

Its got me scared man. Its time to stand and

Come together as one to formulate a damn plan.

They call it a melting pot. Turn the heat down

Its time to all join hands together in peace now

Or take to the streets now. Make our voices heard

Instead we give away our choices and follow the herd

Information we get isn't investigated then reported

It's paraphrased, opinion based, spun, and distorted

What's bred from biased views, is not really news

so the whole 'no news is good news' is not really true

The more outlets we have, the more people seem confused

By cons fusing slogans to ad-homs and excuse

"The place for politics", "The World Leader in News",

"Fair and Balanced"; each one a ruse

And the state of politics really makes me sick

Politicians just keep slinging mud 'til it sticks

Trying to prove their high morals by painting others as wicked

Creating high murals in idolatry full of cynics.

They sold the soul of responsibilities

and continually rape a system

Bought buy sponsors with abilities

to essentially shape decisions.

Neocons with blind faith, Liberals with false hopes

have common sense and rationality walking a thin rope

Extreme actions of both result the same way

Some benefit, and the rest just rot away.

If not today, then when will we realize

Five-hundred and thirty-five shouldn't control our lives.

Neither should nine, impede on our rights.

They all have a role and that role should be slight.

We the citizens must keep them balanced and in check

Make sure they rightfully check balances before writing checks

Make sure that checks and balances are in place and correct

And correct imbalances thru vote checks and protests.

United we stand and divided we fall

That was true in Aesop's fable and in John Dickenson's song

Every conscious being knows innately right and wrong

Let's stand up for Liberty and Justice for all.

Back in Business

2010-02-06T16:55:00.002-05:00

Hey Tiraders,

Sorry for the looooooooooooo (deep breath) oooooooooooooooong absence! Thank you Mr C. and Mr O. for shooting me comments and helping to prompt my return!

There's nothing I can say other than I needed to take some time to rest...but that wasn't fair. No it wasn't fair because in my absence, attacks against common sense continued in our world metropolis. But fear NOT Tiraders. I have returned . I will don my underwear outside my tights, tie my cape around my neck, and fasten my utility belt . For I am once again ready to defend common sense against those who wish to see it destroyed. (Dramatic enough..?)

Thank you all for being patient with me. I will start Tirading again this week.

DAY 31! The Rules of Halloween

2009-10-30T22:46:00.004-04:00

Day 31: The last day of the countdown is finally here! I hope everyone enjoyed it. Have a great Halloween!

Trick R' Treat (2009) (delayed since 2007)

I will start this one like a few others I've posted. Trick R' Treat is not a 'scary' movie. It is, however, a great movie to ring in Halloween night.

This movie is all about the rules of Halloween and, moreover, what happens if you break those rules.

In case you were wondering what happens...you get killed. Perhaps by this little guy (Sam) in the picture

The movie is actually 4 short stories that are intertwined and connected by these rules. There are werewolves, creepy kids, a murderous principal, and of course Sam- the protector of Halloween rules.

This straight to DVD flick has plenty of well known actors in it (including Anna Paquin), The cinematography of the flick is its strongest point. Perfect for a chilly fall evening full of ghosts and ghouls. Make sure you follow the rules...

Once again. I hope you all enjoyed this countdown. I will be back to my old commentary in no time.

Day 30: 'That house is not fit to live in.'

2009-10-30T14:04:00.003-04:00

Only 2 more days of the 31 Days of Halloween countdown left! then it is back to my regularly scheduled Tirading :)

Day 30: The Changeling (1980) ---NO! Not that Angelina Jolie movie!!

1980's The Changeling is, for reasons beyond me, left off of most lists of scary movies. Perhaps it is due to its very slow, calm introduction period which isn't suitable for many viewers in the 'I want it now' era. BUT if you have patience for FILMS, atmospheric detail, and mood development then this gem is for you. It is a bit slow in the beginning, but believe me ther eis a payoff. This is one of the creepiest movies ever made.

The story focuses around a man (George C. Scott) who lost his family inan accident, and so he rents an old mansion to take some alone time to get himself together. Only problem is, he's not alone. the mansion is haunted and hiding a dark secret.

There are very few films out there that lay the creepiness on quite so thick. I dare you to watch The Changeling alone...but, just don't try watching it when you are tired.

Day 28 & 29: One's and Two's

2009-10-29T19:57:00.004-04:00

Day 28:

Creepshow 1 and 2

The Creepshow series is like the original 'Tales From the Crypt' (which is also well worth watching). It is a compilaiton of short movies interconnected by a host segueing in between them. While Creepshow might not be 'scary', it is, as the title insists, creepy. For Creepshow I, the short to look out for is called 'They're Creeping Up On You', which will definitely have you squirming in your seat! Warning: If you have an extreme fear of bugs, pass up on this. There are a lot of formerly large stars in this including: Leslie Nielson, Ted Danson, and Stephen King among others.

Creepshow II is a great extension of this series with many more creepy shorts. In this one, look out for 'The Hitchhiker'. This is a great little creepfest featuring a victim of a hit and run who just won't die before he gets a ride.

Day 29:

Saw 1 and 2

Ok, so I know a lot of people are sick of Saw because of all of the sequels, but hear me out. 1st, part of what makes horror movies great is the fact that the killer doesn't die and you get to see him (or her) kill over and over again. 2nd, as far as originality in a horror movie goes, Saw is right up there near the top

3rd, this movie series actually holds sentimental value with me. Sounds ridiculous I know, but on October 29, 2004 I took Mrs. Caped on our first date. Being the romantic that I am, that date was to see Saw (hahah- seesaw). Anyway, YES, she still ended up marrying me. So the Saw series became a running point of humor in our relationship. We call it our anniversary movie because every year since, there has been a sequel in the theater during our anniversary.

Ok, so if you can get past Danny Glovers horrifically terrible acting, Saw 1 is a smart and fun ride. The death scenes are creative and the plot has great twists.

Saw II (my favorite in the series) is more of the same but it pits a group of criminals together in a house. Get ready to cringe and gasp about 30 seconds after one of the criminals uncovers a hole in the floor full of syringes.

Day 27: 'You're gonna die'

2009-10-28T19:08:00.004-04:00

The Strangers (2008)

Contrary to the movies in my last post, The Strangers is a VERY frightening movie! It is suspenseful and smart and the killers are regular everyday people who decide to randomly torment and kill a random couple. That's it. No reasons. No elaborations. That's it.

The mood is dark throughout with the main couple (anchored by Liv Tyler) having some relationship trouble after Tyler turns down a wedding proposal from her boyfriend. They go to a remote house in the woods and everyone knows what happens in remote houses in the woods...

The killers in this film wear very simple Halloween masks which make them seem even scarier then if they were all done up. There are a lot of creepy 'peeping tom' style moments wear the killers are keeping a watchful eye on the helpless couple. If you haven't seen this, then go get it. But be warned, you might be very uncomfortable trying to fall asleep tonight.

Day 25 and 26: The Good Book vs. The Book of The Dead

2009-10-27T20:15:00.007-04:00

Day 25 of the 31 Days of Halloween countdown

Donnie Darko (2001)

Donnie Darko is not scary by any means, but as far as strange and confusing go, it is a the top of my list. The movie is unique and terrific and will have you asking yourself 'what the fuck is going on' pretty often.

Centered around Donnie (Jake JillAndHall...whatever), a kid who stumbles onto time travel. Either that or he's nuts...I mean he does frequently talk to a 6 foot tall demonic looking bunny rabbit...then again I had some interesting imaginary friends in my days...then again, again, I wasn't a teenager when I saw them. I digress. This movie is a great halloween flick as it takes place around the holiday. Also, there is a great performance by Patrick Swayze as a creepy and demented 'child of God' who preeches various distortions of biblical text to the towns people forming sort of a cult community in which some of the most criminal of peole linger. This movie explores what can happen when you are aloud not only to glimpse into the future, but perhaps change it too.

The Evil Dead (1981)

Evil Dead is not a scary flick either. What it is, is the king of all 'B' horror movies and the real start to the career of the greatest 'B' movie actor of all time, Bruce Campbell. The man is a comedy/horror genius and (as I met him last year) one cool, yet cocky, S.O.B.

Evil Dead is about a group of college kids who go to a cabin in the woods for vacation and uncover the Necronomicon (the book of the dead). These not too horror savvy teens accidentally unleash demons into the woods and end up getting picked off one by one as they try to take shelter in the cabin.

Sam Raimi (Spiderman) Directed this gem. The effects are cheesey and the one-liners are ever more so...if by cheesey I mean AWESOME!!

This movie is so good that a group of people made a musical out of it, (which I saw, sat in the front few rows for, and got splattered with fake blood = good times). Do yourself a huge favor and watch the whole trilogy. If you are a fan of blood, comedy, and quotable lines you won't be disappointed.

Day 23 and 24: Be afraid of the dark

2009-10-26T16:42:00.006-04:00

Day 23 of the 31 Days of Halloween countdown

30 Days of Night (2007)

30 Days of Night is by far one of the scariest and most effective vampire movies ever made. There is no 'glamouring'; there is no requests for anyone to 'look into their eyes'; there is no inkling of humanity in their dead eyes; and none of them fall in love with a human that has special abilities...

What this movie does have is, VAMPIRES! Blood thirsty, vicious, soulless, and scary vampires; and they are on the hunt in Alaska. Why Alaska? Well because the sun goes down and doesn't come back for a month out there. Hence, 30 days of night...more like 30 days of ripping peoples heads off and feeding on their blood. The movie is dark and sinister and about as realistic as a movie about blood suckers can be.

Day 24:

The Descent (2005)

The Descent follows a group of good looking women who like to, of all things, go spelunking. These adventurers pride themselves on pushing each other to the limits of their capability and on discovering new places to explore. This leads them to a series of caves which, as far as they know, have never been explored before. after a few really close calls with falling rocks and as the cave gets tighter and tighter to maneuver within, the darkness begins to play tricks on them and they begin to see scary creatures...Only, their minds are not playing tricks on them. Flesh eating creatures are after them and they must fight to stay alive.

This is a fantastic movie with one problem. The ending is HORRIBLE. Therefore, if you are going to watch this movie, I suggest turning it off about 2 minutes before it ends. (that would be right after the woman throws up- you'll know when to turn it off) In my opinion, it makes the movie waaay better than if you watch it to the very end with its ineffective twist. That said, it is still one of the best horror flicks of recent years. there is a sequel coming out soon...I hope it is good.

Day 21 & 22- Women are SCARY

2009-10-25T16:44:00.005-04:00

The 31 Days of Halloween countdown

(Sorry to all for falling slightly behind with this. I will be caught up shortly)

Day 21:

Carrie (1976):

I hadn't seen Carrie in years, until I had the unique pleasure of seeing this film on original reel in the magnificent Landmark Loews Theatre on Friday. Man, I forgot how great this movie is and not because of the slow motion opening credit scene; during which there is a lot of this...but because it has all of the elements that makes a horror movie great AND stylistically has been taken from over the years to make other great horror flicks.

Poor Carrie and her crazy, fanatically religious mother. They just didn't fit in with everyone else. We all know how cruel high school kids can be. BUT in this film, they picked on the wrong girl.

This movie has a large cast of fairly prominent actors including Mr. Tony Manero himself. Add to that a slew of quotables and a sprinkle decently scary scenes and you have a great flick

Day 22:

Gothika: (2003)

Gothika is an example of a smart thriller. Starring Hallie Berry, Charles S. Dutton, and the dude playin' the dude disguised as another dude, Gothika is a great movie about a woman (Berry) who is admitted into the psychiatric hospital that she worked in after being charged with killing her husband. THe problem is, Berry doesn't remember doing it...oh and she begins to see ghosts....either that or she's going crazy.

There are plenty of gotcha moments and a very good story line that will keep most people on their toes. Enjoy.

Day 19 and 20: BRAAAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNSS!!!

2009-10-20T15:33:00.005-04:00

Day 19 of the 31 Days of Halloween countdown

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

Night of the Living Dead was a groundbreaking film when it first came out and it was the 1st in a long list of George A. Romero zombie flicks in the 'dead' series. Shot in black and white NOTLD is basically the second zombie movie ever made (the first being White Zombie).

The film starts off with a woman named Barbara (Judith O'Dea) and her brother at a cemetery visiting their father's grave. Out of nowhere, the undead begin chasing them (in slow motion like the old school Mummy movies). Barbara makes it out alive and into a house that begins to fill up with random other survivors anchored by the movies hero, Ben (Duane Jones) who is a black man. I only mention this because, at the time, this was atypical of movie heroes. Kudos to Romero for not being a dumb racist jackass.

This movie is not for you if you want fast-paced zombies with super human strength, BUT if you want to see where the phenomenon started, then this is the movie for you.

Day 20:

Dawn of the Dead (Remake-2004)

Keeping in line with the 'Dead' series I am going to highlight Dawn of the Dead. BUT I am going to recommend the remake. Though the original is fantastic, the remake was done very well and shot in a very different way from the original. The opening scene alone makes the DOTD remake one of the best horror movies this decade.

Unlike zombie movies of the past, this remake offers a fast-paced, strong, and fairly intelligent undead population. Don't worry, they are still out looking for some good old fashion brains to chow down on.

There is a well known cast of actors attached to this, none outshining the fairly unknown (at the time) Ty Burrell who is simply awesome and is, incidentally, in one of my new favorite TV shows

Day 17 and 18: All In The Family

2009-10-19T18:28:00.005-04:00

Day 17 of the 31 Days of Halloween countdown

The Devil's Rejects (2005)

To me, Rob Zombie is a bit of a directorial genius. His flicks are tasteless, tactless, politically incorrect, gory, trashy, schlocky, and just plain terrific.

The Devil's Rejects is by far his best work. A sequel to House of 1000 Corpses, but it stands on its own so you don't need to see H1000C unless you are really into trashy flicks.

The story follows a family of disgusting criminals who engage in murder, torture, and necrophilia all seemingly for kicks. Sound sick? Well, it is, but somehow in the midst of all the terrible things this f'ed up family does, there are times when you find yourself rooting for them. And you even get to see a glimpse of a true loving family in there.

The cast is amazing. It stars, Sid Haig, Bill Moseley, and Zombie's super hot wife, Sheri. Add to that a bunch of mid level actors that will have you saying, Hey that's that guy from...ummmm....something...

The flick isn't scary in the slasher movie sort of way. It is incredibly unsettling and gross and should come with a bar of soap. And I loved every minute of it. You looking for some sadistic stylings? Then this is the movie for you.

Day 18:

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: (1974)

LEATHERFACE!! TCM is the story about the original dysfuncitonal family. A family that looks out for one another...especially their disfigured son. How do they do that? Well, they let him kill people, remove their flesh, and make masks out of it to cover his hideous face with. If that isn't love, I don't know what is...

TCM is one of the first films that is shot from the perspective of the killers. Many of the scenes and concepts from this movie were used in Zombie's flicks (above). TCM is bizzare and radically different from most other horror movies.

Loosely based on the killings perptrated by Ed Gein, TCM was shot using a 16mm camera providing it with a grainy and unsettling presentation that was common in the 70's.

I will say this. TCM is a movie for true horror originalists. It was not cut from the same cloth as horror movies today and does not follow the formula familiar to most. If you are looking for the familiar, then go with the 2003 remake, which was also a very good flick.

Day 16: "You drive a woman crazy. You little slut."

2009-10-16T14:31:00.006-04:00

Day 16 of the 31 Days of Halloween countdown

Haute Tension (High Tension) (2003):
(French, English dubbed/subtitled)

High Tension is a French flick and I will say this about the French...they are some sick bastards!

The story revolves around 2 college girls on vacation at one of the girl's parent's house in the country.

I was going to say that, in the beginning, everything seems happy and nice, but that would be a lie. From the beginning you can feel the angry mood of this film, you can tell that there is going to be a lot of violence...and you get a glimpse of a guy, how should I put this..., giving himself head with the head of a young girl who is now headless, before he heads out to kill more young girls.

Its an atmospheric and SUPER dark movie full of seemingly random murders perpetrated by a disgusting old , fat Frenchman who just likes the feel of a good jumpsuit...covered in blood and guts.

And, essentially, that is what this movie is...or is it? Mindless?- NO! Random?-Not so much...

BUT it is plenty violent and well thought out. get ready to be disgusted, scared, disturbed, and pleasantly surprised.

High Tension is by far and away the best French horror film I've seen.

Day 15: "You see, Jason was my son, and today is his birthday"

2009-10-14T19:15:00.005-04:00

Day 15 of the 31 Days of Halloween countdown

Friday the 13th (1980):

Welcome to Camp Crystal Lake, NJ. A lake where the kids have fun under the sun and the counselors have fun under the sheets. BUT as the old saying goes, it's all fun and games until someone loses a son due to negligent life guards; and then goes on a killing spree...or something like that.

Anyway, Friday the 13th is pretty much the king of the slasher flicks from the 80's (following the success of Halloween). This era became saturated with teen scream flick after teen scream flick because of this movie. Boasting New Jersey's first horror movie killer, elements from this flick have influenced many of the greats that followed it. Tom Savini (special effects God) created some of the best horror deaths to date for it and they've been mimicked many times over. You probably won't find this flick scary now, but in its hay day it was premier. AND, as if that isn't enough, Kevin Bacon is in it. So if you ever play that game, you have another movie in your arsenal...then again, there isn't anyone else really noteworthy in it with him except maybe Betsy Palmer so it probably won't help.

I haven't seen the remake, but I here good things. No matter what, the original is a horror movie classic and if you are a true horror head then you will love it. I recommend watching this in conjunction with parts 2 and 3 to get the full experience and get properly acquainted with New Jersey's favorite son, Jason Vorhees.

Day 14: "According to this...you're already dead."

2009-10-13T16:33:00.005-04:00

Day 14 of the 31 Days of Halloween countdown:

Jacob's Ladder (1990):

I probably say this a lot, but, this really is one of my favorite movies. To me, it is a thriller masterpiece. I won't say that its scary, because it really isn't. It is however, interesting and unsettling

The move focuses around Jacob Singer (Tim Robbins), A Vietnam veteran that is now a postal worker, and his girlfriend Jezebel.

Aside from the depression Jacob feels over the loss of his son (Macaulay Culkin), everything seems to be going well for Jacob...

That is until he begins to realize that there are people after him...people or demons? He isn't sure. Neither will you be...is he going nuts? You'll have to see

One of the best elements this flick has to offer is its ability to place random creepy things (from eyeless doctors to crazy midgets) together into a mantage of disturbing images for your mind to dwell upon.

Day 11, 12, and 13: Little kids are SCARY

2009-10-12T19:16:00.003-04:00

Day 11 of the 31 Days of Halloween countdown:

Pet Cemetery (1989): 'Sometimes dead is better. '

Ok. So Pet Cemetery, like most older movies, isn't scary by today's standards. However, there are some very terrifically scary elements to this flick.

The story centers around a family in a very rural town. The son, Gage (one of the cutest little kids), gets hit by a truck and killed and is thereafter no longer a cute little kid. So his father buries him in a pet cemetery.

Gage then comes back as an evil version of himself and goes on a killing spree.

Just go watch it. GAGE= one of the scariest kid characters ever!

Day 12 of the 31 Days of Halloween countdown:

The Exorcist (1973): 'It is he who commands you!'

What can I say about the Exorcist? Regan (Linda Blair) is a cute little kid.

Cute, that is until she gets possessed by the devil. After that she's pretty gross...throwing up; cursing more than if Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, and Lenny Bruce got into a three way car accident with each other after a night of crack, cocaine, and morphine binges, respectively; bleeding from everywhere; spinning her head around; walking like a crab; OH yea...and fucking herself with a crucifix.

Another gem that most people today probably won't think is overtly scary, but this movie is bested only by Jaws for its effect on the largest number of people.

The Ring (2002 Remake): 'You're gonna die...'

I typically go for the originals rather than the remakes, but in this instance, I have to go with The Ring rather than Ringu. Some of you might disagree with me, but to me, most Japanese movies aren't scary, though the premises are usually awesome.

The Ring is a movie about a mysterious video tape that, when watched, begins the countdown until your death. In just 7 days after watching the tape, a girl named Samara will visit you through your TV and scare you literally to death and make you look like this.

I'm not gonna lie. The morning after seeing this movie in the theater, I was in the shower and I got creeped out and pulled the shower curtain back to make sure no one was in the room watching me.

Day 10: "They're Heeeeeerreeee"

2009-10-10T11:28:00.004-04:00

The 31 Days of Halloween countdown day 10:

Poltergeist (1982)

Poltergeist is one of the first horror movies I ever saw and it is just as spooky now as it was then.

The Freeling's had it all. A beautiful house, an upscale development neighborhood, 3 loving children (Dana, Robbie, and Carol Anne)...and their own Indian burial ground.

It seems that this housing development was built on a cemetery and the Freelings are not alone. They unintentionally wake a poltergeist and legions of unrested souls. At first, as anyone would think, the Freelings are amazed with and excited by these spirits. Playing games with them and prompting them to move furniture around the room, but as the old saying goes: 'It's all fun and games until a poltergeist kidnaps Carol Ann through your television set and tries to make her go into the light.'...isn't that how that saying goes?

Anyway, the Freelings soon discover that poltergeists are not just some silly former people who like to perform parlor tricks, but rather they are vengful, nasty, and live in your TV set. ;)

On a side note: If you like clowns, or even better, are terrified by them, then you MUSt watch this movie :)

Day 9: "I live off blood..."

2009-10-08T19:28:00.004-04:00

Day 9 of the 31 Days of Halloween countdown:

Let The Right One In (2004- English subtitled)

WARNING: This movie definitely is not for everyone.

To call 'Let The Right One In' a movie would be an inaccurate description. It is not a movie so much as it is a piece of artwork full of deep, dark, heavy-hearted imagery. It is not even scary...in the cheap thrills and gore kind of way, at least.

Its not scary.....its truly disturbing. It is uncomfortable. It kind of makes you feel like you need to shower. BUT it is also beautiful and engulfing and truly unique in the film world.

Adapted from a Swedish book by the same name, 'Let The Right One In' is a tale about a 12 year old boy (Oskar) who is an outcast at his school. No friends and totally alone. Until one day he meets Eli. Eli is an equally lonely and outcasted 12 year old girl who moves into his apartment complex with her father. Well, not really. Eli is a centuries old vampire who is trapped in the body of a 12 year old and travels with a man who is actually a pedophile (I know...its crazy!)

So, despite the obvious differences between Oskar and Eli, they grow very close. Though Eli is a vampire, this tale is less about vampirism as it is about the depression and loneliness of alienated, lost souls and the bond that can develop between two of these souls.

ANOTHER WARNING: In the story, Eli is a vampire and not a little girl. It is explained that she doesn't have lower girl parts, but at one point in the film they show her lower front. It isn't real, but it makes for an uncomfortable moment.

Day 8: All work and no play..."

2009-10-07T15:37:00.005-04:00

Day 8 of the 31 Days of Halloween countdown:

The Shining (1980)

I don't think this film needs an introduction or a play-by-play telling you what it is about. If you do need one, then stop reading now, go to the video store, and buy it.

A film about the complete meltdown of the mind of a writer stuck in a huge vacancy with his wife and son. Truly scary. Supposedly, Stephen King did not like this adaptation of his book and allowed for another one to be made. That other version was frigging awful! There is nothing better than watching Jack Nicholson get crazy with an axe.

Day 7: "Mocky-Lock is the boogeyman, Mocky-Lock wants me where I am!"

2009-10-07T15:23:00.005-04:00

Day 7 of the 31 Days of Halloween count down

The Cell (2000)

Ok. So I'm going to start by saying I am not a fan of Jennifer Lopez. In my mind, she should have stayed a fly girl on 'In Living Color'. But, that's just me, and there is one really big exception.

THE CELL!!

The Cell focuses on Lopez as a child pyschologist who is part of a team of doctors that explore the minds of coma victims to try to awaken them.

Lopez and her team of Dreamscapers are tasked by Vince Vaughn to ~~crash weddings~~...~~start a fraternity~~...~~tell him he's 'So Money'~~...help him explore the mind of a serial killer (played by Private Pyle) to find one of his victims that may still be alive.

As Lopez invades the killers mind, she slips into a virtual world of some of the most sick and twisted illustrated thought. The detail in the madness of the killer's thought is groundbreaking and very scary. You want a dark demented ride through the mind of a serial killer, this is it.

Day 6: "Plans are pointless. Staying alive's as good as it gets. "

2009-10-05T20:12:00.003-04:00

I hope everyone is enjoying this so far! I wish you all many hours of horrific fun and many more hours of sleepless nights due to the ever growing fear :)

The 31 days of Halloween, day 6

This great British flick is basically a modified zombie story. Rather than the monsters being the rising dead, they are just regular people who have been ~~injected~~ infected with rage.

Imagine waking up from a coma. Now, imagine waking up from a coma and there is seemingly no one else left on Earth.

Welcome to 28 Days Later. Our main character stumbles into a world where there are VERY few uninfected people. Everyone else? Full of more rage than Chris Benoit stuck in L.A. traffic behind a garbage truck with a Bowflex in toe....too soon?

Anyway, This is definitely a frightening flick. I don't think there are many things scarier than being chased around an island by a bunch of Zombie-ish creatures still with the wherewithal to run toward you.

Day 5: "You might as well come out to investigate a strange noise or something. "

2009-10-04T22:23:00.003-04:00

Day 5 of the 31 Days of Halloween count down:

Scream (1996)

Its hard to believe that this gem is already over 10 years old. Scream is one of those movies that you can watch no matter what type of movie your in the mood for, except for, maybe, a romantic comedy or porn.

A respectably scary flick that was intended to mock the bland, overdone, and corny trends that had become status quo for horror movies; Scream revolves around a teenage girl named Sydney, (Neve Campbell) who is being terrorized by a killer who is leaving a wake of bodies in his path.

How do you survive a scenario such as this? Know the basic formula to horror movies and follow the rules:

#1. Never have sex.
#2. Never drink or do drugs.
#3. Never say 'I'll be right back.'

Follow these simple rules and you might just make it. But, knowing the followers I have on this Blog, I'm sure that at least rules 1 and 2 were broken a long time ago... Seriously, you guys probably shouldn't ignore that noise under your bed tonight. When you hear it, just run...run fast and for God's sake don't fall down.

Ok, That's all for now. Don't worry, I'll be right back...

Day 4: El Orfanato (The Orphanage)

2009-10-04T22:00:00.005-04:00

Day 4 of the 31 Days of Halloween count down:

The Orphanage (2007) is a a terribly spooky and exciting Spanish flick (English subtitled), The impressive cinematography and heavy atmosphere sets it apart from most of the other horror/thriller movies of this decade.

Under the direction of Guillermo Del Toro (Pan's Labyrinth), El Orfanato ties you to the characters in a unique and genuine way. This is so much more than a ghost story!

Though there are a few 'gotcha' moments, they are not what the film relies on. The film is saturated with a beautifully creepy feel throughout.

The story revolves around a woman (Laura), her husband (Carlos), and their orphan son (Simón). All of whom live in a house that used to be an orphanage in which Laura grew up.

Simón's imaginary friends begin playing games with the family and before long a nightmare ensues. One of the imaginary friends, Tomás, leaves a trail for Laura to uncover the truth behind the orphanage and its dark past.

This is one of my favorites! AND, actually, I am dressing as Tomás for Halloween this year.

Comments

2009-10-02T23:36:00.001-04:00

Tennyson informed me that he has been unable to comment on my page. I think I have fixed the problem. If so, comment away :)

If not, please email me@ capedtirader@gmail.com to let me know

Thanx Tiraders

Day 3: ...Three, Four. Better lock your door...

2009-10-02T18:45:00.003-04:00

Day 3 of the 31 Days of Halloween countdown:

NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET:

NOES is scary on so many different levels and twisted in more ways than that. Come on...Freddy Kruger! A pedophile that was burned alive by an angry mob of parents, coming back from the dead through the dreams of fearful teens, with a glove full of razors, to exact his revenge!! Scary shit. But don't hide too tight, otherwise you might miss Freddy's witty jokes as he cuts up and torments his victims. Go see it now!! And for God's sake. What ever you do, don't fall asleep

Day 2: "Don't cry for her son, she wasn't human. "

2009-10-01T19:50:00.003-04:00

For the 31 Days of Halloween Countdown: Day 2, I thought I'd highlight this lesser known gem.

FRAILTY

Bill Paxton and Matthew McCo-blah-blah, star in this terrifically creepy thriller. It follows a man (Paxton) who is teaching his two young sons(McCo-blah-blah and some other kid) how to slay ~~people~~ demons disguised as people. They were three men living all together, but they were all alone...alone with directives they obtained straight from God himself!! And those directives? Kill demonic creatures with an axe. I know it doesn't sound like much, but Paxton is one scary SOB in this one as he cuts the heads off his victims in front of his young sons....

Don't piss off daddy, you little demons.

Laurie, what's the boogeyman?

2009-09-30T16:24:00.004-04:00

Today marks the beginning of my 31 Days of Halloween horror movie count down. As I said in previous posts, Halloween is my favorite holiday and I am a bit of a horror movie fanatic. What better way to bring in the spirit of Halloween then by sharing some movie suggestions with you all. The list is not in any particular order and I am not rating them. So, turn out the lights and watch at your own risk.

DAY 1: HALLOWEEN (1978)

What better way to kick off a horror movie count down, than with John Carpenter's classic, Halloween.

To me, Halloween is one of the scariest movies ever made. At 6 years old, Michael Myers killed his older sister and ended up in an insane asylum. 15 years later Myers escapes fro mthe asylum and, while rocking a William Shatner mask, attempts to finish what he started by killing his younger sister (played by Jamie Lee Curtis).

If you're interested in blood and guts and over the top 'gotcha' moments, then this isn't the movie for you. BUT if you are looking for an intense, suspenseful and frightening, old school flick with a musical score scarier than Clint Eastwood's verse in the end-credits score in Gran Torino, then this movie will not disappoint.

THE BOOGEYMAN IS COMING!!!

"Black cats and goblins and broomsticks and ghosts.
Covens of witches with all of their hopes.
You may think they scare me. You're probably right.
Black cats and goblins on Halloween night.
Trick or treat!"

Die Laughing! Lighter Side Of Horror Day 3

2009-09-25T15:54:00.007-04:00

Today's trio of side-splitting scare-flicks features a reluctant descendant of a mad scientist, a Klown Kar full of aliens wielding cotton-candy machine guns, and Jim Carey.

1. Young Frankenstein- 'Its pronounced FRONKenSTEEN!'-- This Gene Wilder classic features Peter Boyle as the monster (yes, the dad from Everybody Loves Raymond) and just about the greatest rendition of 'Puttin' On The Writz' that you'll ever hear. I~~gor~~ have a hunch that you are really going to enjoy this flick.

2. Killer Klowns From Outerspace- Who doesn't love a circus full of silly clowns? As it turns out, a lot of people. And with good reason. These Klowns, much like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas, are not here to amuse you. they are here to turn Bozo's into a sugary snack.

3. Once Bitten- This is a true 80's teen flick with a twist. An aging vampiress is in dire need of virgin blood. The only problem is, the 80's were full of promiscuity and there were no virgins to be had. Enter, Jim Carrey. Seduction and suction quickly follow as the vampiress literally sucks-off of Carey in an attempt to turn him into her leeching lap dog. Will she succeed? Or will Carey's girlfriend give up the goods to save his mortal life?

Laugh At Death! Lighter Side of Horror, Day 2

2009-09-24T16:53:00.003-04:00

Ok folks. Here we are with day 2 of the frighteningly funny. Today's installment features a machete-wielding, penis-less party pooper; a 100 foot softy sailor; and an instructional 'how-to' on becoming a slasher flick killer.

1. Club Dread- The 2nd (well 3rd if you count their college try (a terrible flick) Puddle Cruiser) movie put out by the Broken Lizard Comedy Troop...you know them as the guys from Super Troopers. Club Dread is a fun dark movie about a hedonistic Island resort full of horny 20 somethings circling around Jordan Ladd and Britney Daniel, and a washed up Jimmy Buffet style singer (played by Bill Paxton), that turns into a bloodbath as the spirit of a dick-less killer named Machete Phil Coletti goes on a rampage...or does he?

2. Ghostbusters! Need I say more? If you haven't seen this movie stop reading NOW and go get it! I don't care how...just do it...why are you still reading this? Ok, sorry. Bill Murray at his best; an unforgetable Rick Moranis; and a 100 foot marshmallow. Simply one of the greatest movies of all time.

3. Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon. This is a silly flick about a guy who hires a camera crew to follow him as he attempts horror movie style murders all the while providing insight as to how the Killer does what he (or she) does best. How does a killer who only appears to be walking catch up to a half naked screaming teen as she runs through the woods? Well, Leslie Vernon has your answer.

Halloween Horror Count Down Warm Up

2009-09-23T16:07:00.005-04:00

8 days until the 31 Days of Halloween horror movie countdown begins! As a warm up, I've decided that over these 8 days I am going to have a variant countdown highlighting the lighter side of horror. These are the movies that make you laugh while characters are torn to shreds. As will be in my other countdown, these movies are NOT in any particular order. Just some good old fashion frightening, fear-flinging fun :). There are probably many out there who have seen a majority of these movies, but if you're someone who hasn't, start loading up your Netflix queue. Enjoy!

Today's picks:

1. Shaun Of The Dead- Probably the most well known horror comedy out there, Shaun is in my mind one of the funniest movies ever made AND it has a few decent gotcha moments to boot. If you like smart dry humor, zombies (ooops I said the 'Zed' word), and Grand Master Flash then this movie is for you.

2. Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein - From two of the greatest minds in entertainment, I present to you this classic. A star studded cast anchored by Lon Chaney (the Wolfman) and Dracula himself, Bela Lugosi. This hilarious movie highlights the 'Odd Couple' relationship of Bud and Lou magnificently as Dracula attempts to kill and steal the brain of a dim-witted union worker for the sake of trying to make the Frankenstein monster more pliable. A real classic!!

3. Clue- The original who-done-it. Clue is another one of my all time favorite movies. Super quotable and hilarious. Plus, for you scaredy cats out there, this one is pretty much spook free, though it has it share of murders :) If you haven't seen it then you're in for a treat! This movie will KILL your boredom, in the Living room, with shear genius.

That's all for today folks. Check me out tomorrow . Happy viewing

Halloween Season Is Upon Us

2009-09-22T11:15:00.003-04:00

Hello Tiraders,

After a much needed break, I'm back, sort of. I will be blogging, but I am going to change it up for the next month.

So, Halloween is my favorite holiday. I guess I have a strange draw to the dark side of things. With that said, there are plenty of other reasons why Halloween rocks:

-Its the one day of the year that you can wear a Superhero outfit and not feel like an outcast.

-It becomes acceptable to host horror movie marathons that start at 10am and end when the last person falls asleep(as I mentioned before I am a bit of a horror movie freak)

-Candy

-Costume parties

-Scary decorations

Ok, in light of all of this I am going to, for the month of October, post a daily movie recommendation in a list I made, 'THE 31 DAYS of HALLOWEEN". Be on the lookout. In the mean time, I have created what I believe to be a pretty good Halloween party music mix that I would like to share with you all. You will notice the list excludes the "corny" traditional halloween songs (I.e. -"Monster Mash") but rather it is full of real songs that remind me of Halloween or are in any way creepy/scary. In my mix I sprinkled in audio clips from my favorite horror movies to make the overall listening experience a bit more creepy. (I left those clips off of the list as well) If you have any musical recommendations feel free. I am always looking to improve my party mixes. I hope you all enjoy this brief change of pace and I hope I bring to you some music and movies that you haven't heard/seen. Anyway, here is the list:

1. The Cramps- I Was a Teenage Werewolf
2. Rob Zombie- Dragula
3. The Ramones- Pet Cemetery
4. The Specials- Ghost Town
5. Nightmare Before Christmas- Grimm Grinning Ghosts
6. Warren Zevon- Werewolves of London
7. Ozzy Osborne- Bark at the Moon
8. Fresh Prince- Nightmare on My Street
9. The Who- Boris the Spider
10. Oingo Boingo- Weird Science
11. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds- Red Right Hand
12. Jim Carroll Band- People Who Died
13. Guess Who- Clap for the Wolfman
14. Ween- Voodoo Lady
15. John Fogerty- Wicked Old Witch
16. Whodini- Freaks Come Out at Night
17. Atlanta Rhythm Section- Spooky
18. Charlie Daniels Band- Devil Went Down to Georgia
19. Blue Oyster Cult- Don’t Fear The Reaper
20. Laura Branigan- Self Control
21. Dr. Demento- They’re Coming To Take Me Away
22. Johnny Cash- When the Man Comes Around
23. Duran Duran- Hungry Like the Wolf
24. Ac/Dc- Hells Bells
25. Alice Cooper- Feed My Frankenstein
26. Richard Cheese- Down With the Sickness
27. B-52’s- Devil in My Car
28. Metallica- Enter Sandman
29. Halloween Theme Song
30. CCR- I Put A Spell On You
31. Alice in Chains- Them Bones
32. Dead or Alive- Something in My House
33. Dixie Cups- Iko Iko
34. Alice Cooper- Welcome to my Nightmare
35. ICP- Every Halloween
36. The Dickies- Killer Klowns from Outer Space
37. Elvis- Devil in Disguise
38. Ray Parker Jr.- Ghostbusters
39. Friday the 13th Theme Song
40. Iron Maiden- Hallowed Be Thy Name
41. Johnny Cash- Ghost Riders in the Sky
42. Ministry- Every Day is Halloween
43. INXS- Devil Inside
44. Steve Miller Band- Abracadabra
45. Michael Jackson- Thriller
46. Gnarls Barkley- Run
47. Blue Oyster Cult- Joan Crawford
48. Jaws Theme Song
49. Little Shop of Horrors- Mean Green Mother From Outer Space
50. John Fogerty- Eye of the Zombie
51. Nightmare Before Christmas- This is Halloween
52. Oingo Boingo- Dead Man’s Party
53. J. Geils Band- Fright Night
54. Rob Zombie- More Human Than Human
55. Talking Heads- Psycho Killer
56. Antsy Pants- I am a Vampire
57. Rockwell- Somebody’s Watching Me
58. Rolling Stones- Paint it Black
59. Iron Butterfly- Ina Gadda Da Vida
60. The Kinks- Wicked Annabella
61. Rocky Horror Picture Show- Time Warp

Lots To Do

2009-09-10T18:21:00.002-04:00

Dear Blogger friends. Thank you for your loyalty to my blog thus far. I truly appreciate it. I am just writing this to let you all know that I am taking a little break from blogging to focus on some other work. I will stop your blogs periodically to read what you are up to. I don't yet know if this will be a week long break or a month long break, but it will be a break. Until then, take good care.
-CT

Someone Give This Guy A Hand

2009-09-02T15:28:00.007-04:00

Ok, here's an article about yet another group of people without common sense. This story comes out of Florida. Home to such past gems as (self-pimpage warning): The Most Important Meal, For the Love of Mummy, and a few others, this ridiculous tale doesn't suprise me the least bit.

Steve Valdez, a man with two prosthetic arms, tried to cash a check his wife wrote at the Bank of America where she has an account, but when he got to the counter he was faced with a true dilemma. The genius teller told him he couldn't cash the check without providing thumbprint identificaiton. Do you see the dilemma here? No arms = no thumbs. When Valdez explained the impossibiliy of this request and provided her with 2 forms of ID, she got her supervisor who basically thumbed her nose up at him and said his options are to either have his wife come in or open a separate account.

Now as a general rule of thumb, I am somewhat understanding when it comes to an employee following company policy. Hell, I've, at times, even given people a big thumbs up for following the rules. But this instance of 'I'm just doing my job' makes me want to rise up. These people can stck their thumbs up their butts and spin.

That's basically what Valdez told said. He pretty much told them to take a hike (though he didn't do the gesture). He then warned them of their violations under the Americans with Disabilites Act and that they will have a field day with this.

The Bank supervisor conceded his point and challenged him to a winner take all thumb-wrestling match. Ok, I made that part up, but seriously she might as well have considering how obsurd this whole story is. BUT a spokesperson for the Bank of America DID say that the supervisor should have caught on to how illogical she was being and provided Valdez with another option, but sometimes their employees are all thumbs...Ok, that didn't happen either.

What actually happen was a man was put in an unimaginable and embarrassing position due to the inability of a couple of bank tellers to use common sense....but, I don't want to point fingers.

And Your Point Is...

2009-09-01T09:22:00.003-04:00

A fellow blogger friend, Tennyson posted a reflective blog today contemplating and questioning our purpose here on Earth. He did so, not in a pot-headed , star-staring kind of way; but in a genuine moment of wonderment. From the most 'righteously religious' of us, all the way to the 'sinful sinners', I think we're all conflicted with questions of our true purpose at some point. I know that I have contemplated these things. Here are a few poems I've written with this in mind:

The Rebirth of Daniel Webster

I must admit that most mornings I’ve awakened humbled by the knowledge you’ve provided me. I’d rise from my catacomb, resurrected from my slumber and jump up the steps of a stairway built on promises for those willing to never mind their surroundings and leap. I’ve drunk from fermented vines and I’ve feasted on mountains of breads by the dozen, until only a clast of supper remained. I’ve clasped onto the beads of your truth and skimmed through the pages of your biography. I’ve borrowed your compass to navigate the seas because at times when I didn’t,
I found myself flooded without an olive branch to cling to or a dove to find it. Yet, I feel like I’ve been waiting forever for your eternity and the virtues you pride yourself on begetting upon me have gotten lost in free drafts of my living will. I am weary of waiting the accruement of my essential value. What is the going rate for one of these things anyway?

This one is an elegy:

Obolus

Treading between vestal statues like
Mars incarnate, they stagger in groups down
the cobblestone path, beyond overgrown patches
of pachysandra and ivy-veined cinder. Passing
thru the limestone archway to the father’s chalice
to wash their unchaste faces. Like migrants, they register
their arrival and reestablish familiar villages sailing along
memories of our shared voyages and discoveries.
Seawater batters the floorboard like a monsoon
over a Siracusan fishing boat. Their patent leathers and pumps
swab the hull as they single file down the plank and fall
to their knees as the vigils light dims.

Within the burnt-cedar humidor I lie
burning in the flames of regal gold
laina and anemone. Adonis
waiting to rejoin the womb of the myrrh.

Star Dust

Even the moon,
As it spirals closer to
Death, moves toward
The light.

That’s not a
Metaphor for religion,
But if I had only one
Dollar

To my name,
I’d let it all ride on
Pascal’s wager.

We don’t know-
And those who claim to
Are also just human

I’m starting to be-
lieve in consciousness
And the Earth. Even we
Are recyclable.

Anointed

As his hairs
burn out like scrub brush
in a wildfire as he stands barefoot
on the fetid floor tiles and looks
into his own eyes questioning his
atheism. Black rivers extend from
bursted blood vessels leading nowhere.
Oils smear his forehead like communal
consecration. His neck hinges toward
his feet. He feels the malignance of his
impotence pulling at his ability to change.
He is the murk of winter-
clutching almanacs like Bibles,
never turning from Mars. Praying for
vernal equinox to save his dimming
Saxon light.

Hallow Fills

Pressing the Earth, stretched at your feet
as the clouds dance around the moon.
An unusual place for summer retreat
where flesh feeds soil, new life ensues.
We lay beneath the spotted oak
spinning threads about our pasts.
Never minding the summer soak,
holding hands beneath the grass.
Writing notes against the stone.
Spoken words unspoken still.
We never attempted to atone
‘til we gazed from the hallow fills.
No longer strangers as we lie
beneath the gates, beneath the sky.

PED-TV

2009-08-31T19:52:00.004-04:00

SO, I read a news article from last week about a hugely successful TV show out of India that is about a 12 year old girl who is married off to an adult male and lives with him and his family portraying a "reality" type vision of true pedophilic marriages that occur in India where, according to UNICEF, they account for nearly 40% of all child marriages in the world. Ok, I know what you are thinking and that is exactly what my first thought was; Eat your heart out Benny Mardones.

In all seriousness, how does crap like this get the nod from the average couch ~~pedo~~ potato? I mean, I know why it gets the nod from the TV execs, but I find it kind of sad that this prime time perversion racked up 74 million viewers in July alone. But then again, due to the staggering number of these marriages, I'm guessing that at least a portion of its viewership is made up of strapping 20-30-something-year-old men and their prepubescent brides; thus making the show nothing more than a family friendly sitcom. Talk about gross.

I bet you are wondering if there are laws in place to stop these tween touchers from forcing poor innocent girls into these slavery marriages. Well, The article goes on to say that the "legal age for marriage in India is 18 for girls and 21 for boys, the law is often ignored." Oh...that explains it. There are laws, its just that no one follows them.

Its 2009 for crying out loud. How is savagery like this still common place in the world? When will the daughters of the world no longer be subjegated by the sons of misogynist fathers? I know not all cultures are the same and it is wrong for one to try to force their ideals on another, but anyone with a brain stem and a conscience can see...well, you know where I'm gong with this.

Special Thanx

2009-08-31T19:31:00.005-04:00

I just wanted to write this post to say thank you to LadyTruth, Teacup, and JennyMac for shouting out my blog! Now...go follow these ladies. That is all

Ireland Trip Final Installment (day 5 and 6)

2009-08-25T13:22:00.016-04:00

The fifth day of our trip was by far my favorite. We took a ferry to the Aran Islands which are simply beautiful.

On our way to the ferry, we saw this Hangman style 'Choose your own' Caution sign. As you can see, whoever was guessing letters to complete the puzzle sucked pretty badly getting no correct letters and leaving us only an arm and two legs worth of wrong guesses before this poor silhouetted sucker meets the looped end of a rope. Any guesses??

We chose the bike shop to the right...why? Because we laugh at danger, that's why.

The Bronx Tale taught them that its ok to love whoever you want...The goat must have given the chihuahua the door test.

The Aran Islands are magnificent from every angle!

I've heard this is the best way to get a good look at a T-Bone.....but I'll take the butchers word for it

The prettiest cottage in Ireland

This beach appeared out of nowhere after bicylcing around a bend. It is one of the cleanest beaches in Europe

On the 6th day, we went to Dublin to hang out. On our way there our GPS got screwed up and we found ourselves lost between Trim and Cock

When we finally got to Dublin we were greeted by a man dressed in traditional Irish garb

This pretty house was smack in the middle of the city.

Believe it or not, they're real

...and so is this guy

We got hungry, so we went to 'Nude' to get lunch. I had the roast beef sandwich with no cheese. Ironically everyone there had their clothes on.

This prayer was at one of the pubs we hit while there.

Later that night we went on a traditional Irish music pub crawl. It was really cool. These two guys sang songs and gave us history. They told us all about lock-ins where musicians sit in pubs after hours and continue playing songs all night. From what they told us, during these lock-ins random patrons of the pub can just singing a song from their region (kind of like an open mic) which then exposes everyone else to that music making everyone more well rounded.

After explaining all of this, they asked for a volunteer to sing a song from where they come from. After about 3 or 4 minutes of grueling silence...

I figured I could, when telling this story, talk about how noone got up there and sang; or I could say *** and give it a go. So, I raised my hand and gave the crowd some 'Brother Loves Traveling Salvation Show'.

That about wraps up the Ireland trip. I'll be back with my regularly scheduled tirades before you know it.

Baby Blog Awards

2009-08-25T12:45:00.002-04:00

Hello all,
Ok, a few weeks ago a really talented blogger friend, Lady Truth, from South Africa was kind enough to give me an "award" by shouting me out to her followers as a decent (loose term) blog that is less than 6 months old. So, in true bloggy fashion, I will do the same. Here are six blogs, under 6 months old that I follow:

1. Lets start with Lady Truth. A true wordsmith with an interesting day to day in South Africa. Check out her latest blog about her kick ass grandma.

2. Do you like viral videos? Offensive cartoons and instant message converstaions?Then check out the Blog Slob.

3. Once again, I'll shout out my friend, Lola. Get your taste of dating disasters and encounters with creepy creeps here.

4. In a twisted world of creepy erotica you'll find Proud Maisie . Explore your dark side here.

5. Want a dose of honest musings from a guy that pulls no cards? Try out Mr. Condescending. the name says it all.

6. Here is a different kind of blog from a very talented bead worker named Valarie . She's just about as talented as they come, and she even does celebrities.

There you have it. If any of these blogs tickle your...whatever, then make them smile by becoming a follwer. Thanx

Ireland Trip, Day 3 & 4

2009-08-19T16:05:00.017-04:00

On Monday we took a guided bus tour to the Cliffs of Moher . Our tour guide, Paul, was about as good as they come. If you are ever in Galway and want to take a bus tour, contact Healy tours and ask for Paul. You won't be disappointed.

The Cliffs are ~214 meters straight down into the chilly drink below. Unfortunately, due to a few jumpers, a few pushers, and a few 'Oh-Shit-I-Slipped...ers', you aren't allowed close enough to the edge to trigger vertigo. regardless, the cliffs are wonderful. So wonderful in fact that they are in the running to become one of the new 7 wonders of the world. Yes, it is that spectacular. And again, pictures can't illustrate its beauty. Anyway, less blabbing and more pictures:

The Cliffs

Beware of falling rocks and 'Price is Right' yodellers...

CAUTION: Do NOT Walk On Fire Lest You Wish To Be Attacked By Seagulls

Are you lonely? Haven't met that special someone? Are you starting to get the feeling that while you're sitting at home in front of the computer searching for ~~porn~~ love, that there's a huge party, that you weren't invited to, full of willing and able singles looking for some good clean Irish-Catholic frolicking (hehe- fro' licking) in the pasture?...WELL, here is your official invite. All you have to to is hop on a plane and hit up Ireland's biggest singles event. The Lisdoonvarna Matchmaking Festival!

Ladies. Do you like guys with accents?

Fellas. Do you like ~~boobs~~ booze?

Well, Lisdoonvarna has plenty of both. What are you waiting for?

This cottage was on the way back from the Cliffs. Amazing!

This is called a 'Fairy Tree'. What you do is stand under it, make a wish, and then tie a string to it... the tree, not the wish. You may notice some empty soda cans tied to the tree as well. Were they wishes for more soda, an act of utter disregard for recycling, or clever product placement by some Coca-Cola reps? I wished I could one day learn the answer...Shit! I told you what I wished for. Now we'll never know.

Day 4 was spent touring Connemara (the town in which we stayed) and this castle named: Kylemore Abbey. It was a really cool place, however, there were very few rooms open to the public and a man, who I can only assume owned the place, kept sneaking up on us.

I took this picture for my homey, Homer Jay Simpson.

I found out that I really like Guinness :)

Stay tuned for more :)

Back Home/ Ireland Day 1&2 (Saturday and Sunday)

2009-08-16T18:42:00.021-04:00

Hey everybody. So, I am back from Ireland. What an amazing place! It is more beautiful than any picture could possibly illustrate and the people are about as nice as they come. Most of my family's, as well as my wife's family's, ancestry is from Ireland so it was a great experience going there. I thought what I'd do over the next week is post pictures and captions from each day of the trip.

On Friday night, our flight was delayed 5 hours due to "extensive engine problems" so instead of a 9pm flight (where we'd land at ~10am) it was a 2am flight (putting us at ~3pm) kind of throwing a monkey wrench into our Saturday night plans because it is a 4 hour drive from Dublin to Connemara (where we stayed). Anyway, I'll just get into the pictures now and caption them as best I can. (Fair warning though, pictures don't come remotely close to illustrating the vivid colors and boundless beauty that stretch across Ireland. Oh, and I'm not quite ready to unmask so our faces are blotted out.)

When we arrived in Connemara. It was simply amazing. Our cottage was set into the side of the most beautiful hills I'd ever seen.

Our Cottage. It was called CORRIB

The view from our family room

Another view from the cottage

We called it an early Saturday night in order to head out early to check out Galway City on Sunday. Galway was very fun. A touristy town with loads of Pubs, restaurants, and gift shops selling "authentic", "traditional" Irish gifts...you know like leprechauns, Giunness paraphernalia, and the ever so popular claddagh rings. (Note: there are truly authentic gifts to be had; just not in these shops). We spent most of our drinking time in the one pub in Eyre Square that seemed as true to Irelands traditions as we could figure. This particular pub had actual band sessions where random musicians, with their instruments, sat in a circle and played some tunes. The pub was called:

Tig Cóilí

Enjoying my first pint in Ireland with Mrs. CT's brother-in-law

My traveling buddies enjoying their first pints.

After many pints, I had to go about as bad as this guy:

There were many really good street performers in Galway. Most of them seemed to enjoy what they were doing. These poor kids, however, did not. It felt like they were playing with frowns while there mother (in nice designer clothes, no less) stood over them like a warden. At least they got the day off from sweeping chimneys:

View of Eyre Square

So many choices

So, that was Sunday in Galway. Later that night, we stopped in a small town called Oughterard and picked up some snacks before heading back to the cottage. An interesting note: Cookies are called biscuits or digestives.

Even more interesting, and the inspiration for a silly lyrical poem and other fun times, are these cookies:

Ok, so the silly little poem was 1/2 inspired by these cookies and 1/2 inspired by (believe it or not) Tampons, which in Ireland, we learned are called 'Little Lets'.***[see below] (another funny thing is 'Let' means 'rent' so I suppose the logic there is that they rent out the V for a few days per month?

Anyway, I decided that a better name for these Lets is Damny Jammers, and so began the tale of:

Katie O'Toole

Katie O'Toole trembled with fret
3rd week of August she started to let
In keeping with manners
She bought Damny Jammers
And so she was no longer wet

So there you have days one and two of the trip. Stay tuned :)

***After posting this, I was informed by Proud Maisie that they are not called 'Little Lets' , but there is a brand of them called 'Lilets' and it was all just a misunderstanding. However, without this misunderstanding, the tale of Katie O'Toole and her Damny Jammers might have never been born. :)

Ireland Bound

2009-08-06T07:46:00.004-04:00

Top of the mornin' to ya!

I know I was just away for a week, but the time has come again for me to take a trip. Mrs. Caped and I are going on a vacation to Ireland tomorrow night (the 7th). Yup, for the next week I'll be in the land of leprechauns, potatoes, and WHiskey. I am literraly jumping around with excitement. Fear not Tiraders. I will be back in a week's time and up to my old shenanigans. Mrs. Caped has wanted to go to her whole life so it should be a great time.

I am not the biggest fan of long flights and the only time I've ever been overseas is when I was in the military. I will counter my uneasiness by throwing back a drink and sleeping during as much of the flight as possible. Afterall, it was the sleeping passengers that survived the time shift in The Langoliers.

So, anyway, I'm sure to have a great time! What about you out there? What has been the best, worst, or most memorable vacation you've ever taken?
I look forward to hearing about it.

In The Face Of Tyranny

2009-08-05T13:49:00.006-04:00

Every once in a while there is a News story featuring somthing positive. This is one such story.

Defending personal liberty against tyranny is essential to our species survival. This defense is not solely the responsibility of allied soldiers, but the responsibility of every individual. And, as everybody who knows Will Hunting or William Congreve can tell you, "Liberty is the souls right to breathe...Without liberty, man is a syncope." I often, in some way shape or form, give thanks and admiration to soldiers, but today I would like to give some praise to Aziz Royesh, the students of Marefat High School, and their parents.

Mr. Royesh is the Headmaster of Marefat High in Kabul, Afghanistan; and since opening his school he and his students have been victims of savage and primitive angry mobs out for blood. What did they do? You might ask. Well, Royesh allows girls to learn in the same school as boys. Yup, the nerve of that guy, huh?

The bravery of these families needs to be publicly applauded. Royesh appears to be a man who understands the importance of liberty.

These brave families live in a backwards land with truly corrupt political figureheads and many communities full of disgusting savages (Offensive-Oshmenshmive!) . A land where Shiite clerics act as "moral" police and pass twisted laws allowing horrific acts against their own people. Especailly women! For instance, the law that deems marital rape A-Okay.

This is a land where people have no qualms about murdering to protect these "moral laws". Mr. Royesh was told by people in his community "that the girls would be burned with acid if they did not trade in their school uniforms for traditional Islamic clothing."

BUT! Have these families retreated from liberty in the face of tyranny? Did Mr. Royesh close his school down. Hell no! And that is why he and these families should be commended.

It is stories such as this one that shout out how lucky people born in free, civil societies really are. Too many take that fact for granted. Let the actions of Royesh and his students be a reminder of the risks that people in countries full of turmoil are willing to take in defense of our most precious and basic right as human beings...Liberty.

POPCORN WORTHY

2009-08-04T19:08:00.017-04:00

Hey Tiraders,
So, I don't typically ask, but a few buddies of mine created a great new movie review website that I would like everyone to please join. I know there are a lot of movie review sites out there, but the guys over at Popcorn Worthy have created a great system for moviegoers to find out the real scoop regarding what a movie truly has to offer. That system is one of creative Icons. Each review is stamped with icons (Alerts, Awards, & Warnings) that tell you various information about the movie you are looking for. Here are a few examples of each (click the link for a description).

ALERTS:

The BIG 80's Alert

The Gay for Pay Alert

The Red Shirt Alert

AWARDS:

The Killer 'Stache Award

The Training Bra Award

The Lorenzo's Oil Award

WARNINGS:

The Chowda-Head Warning

The Comedy Is Beneath Me Warning

The Book Was Better Warning

Ok, there you have it. Like I said, this is a buddy's website so thanks to anyone who checks it out and bigger thanks to anyone who joins.

-The CT

You Mean I Have To Do Something For Myself?!?!

2009-08-02T20:37:00.004-04:00

Time to tirade a lil' bit...

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't hear, see, or read about snot-nosed, spoon-fed, simpletons with huge senses of entitlement because they have been indoctrinated by their parents and mentors with undeserved praise and the belief that everything should be handed to them. AND it is getting tiresome. I am really sick of our generation's Veruca Saltedness.

This is an era in which many people believe that achievements that one person has earned, the other should get automatically. One where, in many schools, a student can fail a subject and still be allowed to move up to the next grade because some Super Geniuses determined it would be more damaging to the child to be held back and actually learn something than it would to allow him/her to move forward with his/her peers.

So where does this tirade bring me? It brings me to Trina Thompson. Trina, a young woman who recently graduated from The Monroe College in the Bronx, has been having trouble finding a job since she earned her degree in April of this year. Jobless for 3 months now and staring like a 'dumbass-in-Dear Lord our future is in trouble', Trina is doing what any responsible, intelligent college graduate would do...

She's ~~Actively look for employment~~ frivolously suing her college for $70,000 dollars for, according to her, not assisting her adequately in finding a job. Yup, that's right, apparently its her school's fault she is unemployed. (Man, I hate lawyers who take cases like this.) I suppose one could argue that her college has a hand in how utterly moronic she is and sue them for her lacking intelligence (since they are supposed to educate and they clearly have not done so), but to sue your college for not getting you a job is ridiculous.

I'm willing to bet that she isn't the only April '09 graduate from Monroe College. So, did everyone else in her class find a job? Or do they just possess common sense and some threads of self determination?

Trina's family expressed concern as they were depending on her finding a job to help them avoid slipping further into poverty. I understand their concerns, but where is the acceptance of responsibility for your own fate? I know 'times are tough...blah, blah, blah...' and 'the economy....blah, blah, blah', but gimme a break. Perhaps there aren't many ideal careers, but there are jobs out there; and it is up to you the individual to seek them out and do what ever it is you have to do to sustain yourself.

I know this entry seems harsh, but I really hope the courts find in favor of the college. In the meantime, I'm going to contact my lawyer and work on a lawsuit suing the New Jersey Lottery as I feel that they have not fulfilled their end of the 'dollar and a dream' bargain.

Caped vs Lola

2009-08-02T20:20:00.003-04:00

So, A few weeks ago a good personal friend and great blogger, Lola, wrote an interview style Blog about me in which she asked me to share a little bit about myself (side note: Lola is actually the one who got me to start blogging). I think it was pretty cool of her to share me with her followers.
Now, it is time to return the favor. If you've never checked out her blog, you should! In the meantime, without further adieu, here are a few question I posed to Lola along with her responses.

1. How did this personality (Lola Lakely) appear? Where did the name come from?

Well, my friend Wyatt and I failed at all attempts to be accepted by our peers. Our desperation to be liked lead us to "create" a woman via my computer. Our living and breathing creation was a gorgeous woman, Lola, whose purpose was to boost our confidence level by putting us into socially awkward situations, embarrassing obstacles, and a really mean 'roid induced brother named Chet. Hilarity ensued.

Plus, I like blaming all the naughty stuff I do on her.

2. You often discuss Creepy Creeps. What was the creepiest encounter with a creepy creep?

Wow, that's hard. I mean there have been such a plethora of encounters. But I guess I'm gonna go with the guy who actually referred to himself as "creepy serial killer guy."

3. Why do you liken yourself to Jessica Rabbit?

"I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way." That about sums it up. I have a ton of guy friends and have had some, well, issues with some of their significant others. I like to think some girls live in a special place called Crazy Girl Paranoia land. Of which, I am proudly not a member!

4. What is the one thing that you want people reading this (that don't know your blog) to know about it?

I'm sarcastic, mostly shallow, and occasionally witty. But fear not, I'm also just as hard on myself as I am to other people. Also, I'm a bit of a tomboy- I play video games, watch sports, and curse like a sailor.

5. If there were 2 people you could make disappear forever, who would they be any why?

Scarlet Johansson- Her man hands and her man voice and her severe lack of talent upsets me. I mean if she just chose hot girl roles like Jessica Alba or Megan Fox, I'd be okay with her cause she's definitely hot. But she chooses these look-at-me-I'm-a-deep-actress-and-the-muse-of-Woody-Allen roles. Ugh, just don't talk Scarlet. Look pretty. Then we'd be all good.

That lady who treated me like a slave when she came up to me during that conference at 7am when I was hung over, her eyes glazed over in free-conference gear mania. Yeah she definitely needs to go down. Her and her sausage link sized fingers grabbing at my free anti-bacteria lotion.

6. Give us a quick run down of your favorite topics to blog about.

Socially Awkward situations, Socially Awkward Situations and Socially Awkward Situations. As always it has been utterly delightful to sit down with you and your Cape. Thank you kindly. Let us imbibe some alcohol soon together.

There you have it. Everyone I've come across in this writers world of Blog has been pretty cool. Shoot over to Lola's page and show some love over there.

- the CT

Do Ya Know What I MEME?

2009-07-31T08:11:00.003-04:00

Ok, so the talented Ms. Britt tagged me for one of those MEMEs that are floating about. Apparently all I have to do is tell everyone some stuff about the man behind the Tirades...

THE MEME AWARD
The rules:
1. List 7 facts about me
2. Tag seven other bloggers so that they can do the same.

The FACTS:

1. Bacon makes everything better.

2. I think too many people of my generation feel entitled.

3. In the Army I learned that the best way to avoid having to burn shit in the middle of the desert is to be the only one in your unit that knows how to secure radio frequencies.

4. I am a horror movie junkie!

5. I have a terrible habit of driving with my knee.

6. I used to cheat at 'Heads up Seven Up' by looking at people's shoes.

7. I have an irrational fear of, and at the same time am fascinated by sharks.

So, there it is...7 quick facts about me. Here are the 7 bloggers I'd like to pass this to:

1. Tennyson @Andy Warhol
2. Alyssa @ Just Putting It Out There
3. Valerie @ A Visible Spectrum
4. Mr. O. @Mr O 4 SHO
5. JennyMac @lets have a cocktail
6. Shaylen @iamshaylen
7. Jennifer @The Novelista

Concerts...Who Have You Seen?

2009-07-30T09:29:00.003-04:00

Hello Tiraders,
Tomorrow (Friday the 31st) is going to be an awesome day. Lock Up Your Daughters because I am going to see one of the greatest rock bands of all time; AC/DC!

I can not wait. I’ll be travelling from the Highway to Hell down to Giants Stadium. Tailgating will begin early so it’s guaranteed to be a day of Dirty Deeds, High Voltage rock, and Thunderstruck fans rocking out harder than a ’74 Jailbreak.

So, that all got me thinking. I am really interested in finding out from all of you what concerts you have gone to throughout the years. Here are the concerts I’ve been to so far (not in exact order) with a song I recommend you check out (Headliners only):

1. Beastie Boys (Ill Communication Tour)- SONG: Paul Revere

2. Live w/ PJ Harvey and Veruca Salt - SONG: Lightening Crashes

3. Prince w/ Morris Day and the Time (Prince played pretty much every instrument on stage at some point during the show= it rocked) - SONG: Seven

4. Missy Elliot w/ Alicia Keys and Beyonce (who I can not stand BTW) - SONG: I Can't Stand The Rain

5. Billy Joel (At this concert, Mrs. Caped figured out that I was going to propose to her) SONG: You're My Home (my wedding song :) )

6. James Brown w/ Stephen Kellogg (I saw the Godfather of soul ~1 year before he died and it was AMAZING) SONG: Papa's Got a Brand New Bag

7. Live (again) SONG: They Stood Up For Love

8. Damien Rice (I was really impressed with this show. Great live performer) -SONG: Cheers Darlin'

9. Styx-Foreigner (great show!) - styx SONG: Renegade; Foreigner SONG:Juke Box Hero

10. Motley Crue w/ Smashmouth, Buck Cherry (Crue Fest) (This show was only ok)-SONG: Home Sweet Home

11. James Taylor - SONG: Fire and Rain (of course)

12. Michael Buble w/ John Ondrasik, KT Tunstall, Babyface, and a few others I can’t remember SONG: Eh...he does a lot of great Jazz covers. Instead for this one I'll Recommend John Ondrasik- I Just Love You

13. George Clinton & The Parliament Funkadelic- (I was pretty disappointed with this show. George Clinton's voice was sooo hoarse from all the weed (no doubt) he could barely vocalize the songs) SONG: Theme From The Black Hole

14. Atmosphere w/ Abstract Rude (Atmosphere is one of my favorite artists of all time) SONG: Body Pillow

15. 3 Doors Down w/ Hoobastank and Safetysuit SONG: Citizen Soldier (because its about the National Guard :) )

16. Regina Spektor w/ Little Joy (this concert was a lot of fun. Regina is very quirky and odd but she has an angels voice and nice melodic piano tunes) SONG: Remember That Time

I think that's it…SO, tell me about the concerts you’ve been to. Oh, and if you are going to be at the AC/DC concert, give me a shout!

Nothing Cries Rain Down On Me Like A Pair Of Boobs

2009-07-28T19:17:00.006-04:00

A story I read today brought to my attention one of the most ~~ingenious~~... ~~absurd~~...no, ingenious ways for ~~creepy~~ ingenious old men to get the young women of their neighborhood to strip off all of their clothes and do the town's hard labor...OOOPS! I mean.....well, ok maybe not that hard, but pretty difficult

Oh, the W's you must be asking yourself.

Well, according to the article, farmers from Patna, India have been keeping this magic a secret for quite some time. Ok, I'll get on with it. Apparently there is a custom there where young women get naked, sing hymns, and plow their fields (hehe) in order to embarrass the Weather Gods and cause them to ~~discharge~~ release ~~money-shots~~ monsoon rains down onto their ~~boobs~~ cropped fields making them ~~moist~~ wet(still sounds dirty).

As strange as this ritual might sound, the people of Patna believe it will bring the much needed rain to their region as they have suffered terrible droughts this year. The drought indeed sucks, but faith that a booby-fearing, super-soaker God is going to literally rain down and save the crops is probably not the most sound belief system out there. I mean, where is this God? Where's all the rain he's supposed to be supplying? Isn't his absence slightly odd? Really, if he's not going to turn on the sprinklers, the least he can do is make an unannounced cameo in someone's breakfast to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is indeed real, and just simply wants suffering to continue?

Personally, I don't really put my faith in a bunch of different Gods, per se, but I do often carry out the commands that my Alphabits cereal spells out to me in the morning.

I hope the weather in Patna shifts and the people there get their much needed rain...You know what? Sitting back hoping isn't going to get the Weather God's butt in gear. Therefore, I propose that this weekend people everywhere strip down to all their sloppy-floppy glory and tend to their gardens during what I'm calling 'Global Naked Yardwork to Embarrass the Weather God's Day'. Let's help these farmers out!!

Home From Tupper

2009-07-28T12:15:00.003-04:00

So, Mrs. Caped and I just got back last night from a week of fishing and hanging put by Tupper Lake. It was a well needed rest! The beauty of this lake never ceases to amaze me.

I'll be back to my regular routine of mocking news, over using movie links, and catching up on all of the awesome blogs I follow later on tonight. BUT for now, here are two pieces I wrote about the area.

Fish Fry

Pillaging the jungle of Tupper Lake like
Vikings, we emerged with an appetite
even the Lumberjack House couldn’t conquer.

We coasted to the dock around 11a.m. Saturday and
de-boarded our Pequod with the bucket of large-mouths
we caught on some scented Gulp Bait.

Four keepers!
With the Walleyes we caught last night,
we’re in for some good eatin'.

Thuds across each of their skulls with a
Blackjack causes them to spasm in my father-in-law’s hand,
the humane thing to do before they’re filleted and fried.

Though I caught a bass or two, even Melville could
call me Ishmael when it came to scaling our white whales;
I orphaned to the background.

In the camp, I could hear the girls mixing the batter,
a few eggs, flour, and breadcrumbs. A splash
of Guinness never hurt anyone.

Dip’em, roll’em pat’em; schools of three swim
at 350 in the fry-pan until they’re snared by the tongs.
Golden morsels on a paper plate.

Hike

The rusty glow from the
Center star lightens
The load we bare as we
Ruck up from the base of

Whiteface Mountain to the
Halos of soaked nimbus.
Twigs cracking in the tree-
Line speed our pace over

The slated staircase. The
Cliff’s edge is a deep well
Where Ausable Rivers
Dare you to take a plunge.

My soles soaked from the
Puddle I slipped in near the
Poison Sumac. Garter snakes
slide from beneath our footsteps

Into abandoned skink
Holes. The air burns the ridge
Of our noses and stings
Our eardrums. The jutting

Peak waits, watching out
Over Wilmington’s Placid Lake.

Homeward Bound

2009-07-27T09:44:00.003-04:00

The countdown begins as I pack up my stuff and head home. I hope you all didn't forget about me. I'll be back tomorrow in full effect. See you then

-CT

Vacation Time

2009-07-17T11:20:00.002-04:00

Well blogger friends. I am headed off for a week or so to do some fishing and sitting by the fire at Tupper Lake, NY. Therefore, I might not be on here very much. Have a good time without me :)
In the mean time, I thought I'd share a piece I wrote about myself at different ages. Its 5 parts and each one tells about something that was going on at that age. All 5 of these experiences helped shape me. I added the approximate age next to each as a guide (they overlap). I hope you enjoy.

Five Faces I’ve Met

The Shammer (~5-8 years old)

Brush-cross, uncross.
Shuffle, Shuffle, Leap! Bojangling
routines at the mirrored wall, he
was gearing up for his first tap
tournament. He tipped his top hat
toward his right eye like Fred
Astaire and danced cheek-to-cheek
with his reflection until he’s called out
to perform the number he’s prepared.
The out of synch clapping sounded like
a lesson one shim-sham and the spot
light car-crashed his eyes like a nightmare
in the sun. The record scratched, popped,
then found the rhythm of happy feet.
He hot stepped like a dandy, chugging left
and spanking the softwood planks ‘til
his nerves tapped.

The Makeup Artist (~5-16 years old)

With her compact in his hands,
he did what he’d been taught. First,
dry those up with some tissue. He watched
himself gob up the spills. Skinny and
bruised like the last banana in the produce
section. The blood crusted around the rim
of his nostrils and taunted him with each
hiccupped breath. Rehearsing over and over
the story; I fell into the table . . . everything is
fine. It’s okay to lie to your teacher
to protect the family. Her true cameo is three
shades too light for his complexion but no one
ever seemed to notice, so he laid it on thick
in layers. Smearing, blending, but in the end
misshapen and burned out like a cheap dinner candle.

The Prospect (~8-15 years old)

.530 lifetime and a lefty. The kid
had the spirit of The Mick in his bat
and could put it wherever coach
wanted. Jersey number '1' every
year ‘cause the rest were too big.
Traveling statewide with his hand-
me-down Ryne Sandburg. The original
leather threads had been chewed up by
scoops and snags. Shoelaces held just
fine until he could go pro. The finger
slots were three sizes to big for his tiny
hands so he wore batting gloves to mind
the gaps. The palm looked hunted by
buckshot. The holes made it more aero-
dynamic. Through sevens, eights, and
nines they battled together over mounds
of sand and fields of turf. The season ended
two and eleven with a called strike three.
He buried his glove behind home.

The Tracksider (14-16 years old)

He found home in the arms of a
hollowed cigar. And rolled in the red
laced grass licking the sweet cinnamon
scrolls before pressing his lips gently
to it’s budding slit and sucking in it’s
sex cry. They stayed warm by the fire
and played pin the rock on the freight cars
as hours burned into nights burned into ash.
Swinging from the monkey bars, playing tag
against the illegals who hid there as well.
Spotlights beaming from unmarked Impalas
scorched their faces causing them to freeze like
deer before galloping to the safety of the trestles.
They watched all sides like a squad of mercenaries
scouting the jungles outside Pusan.

The Soldier (17-25 years old)

Needing something, he boarded his
first flight en route to hard Knox with
just his duffle and a picture of his grand-
parents. Ready to put the first sixteen to
rest and get well, he quickly adapted. In
basic, the Drills roared and leaped at him
like silver backs in the Congo. Versed in
sadism, his troubles were few. The slop
splashed on his tray three times a day
taught him the value of consistency. He
learned God’s virtues reading his Smart
Book. Set out on prophetic journeys over
lands blood-soaked by centuries of crusading
explorers and visionaries. He donned symbols
from many ancient texts like a Pagan, praying
for the ear of any Deus who’d listen. He
scoured the paths camouflaged in Earth for
his own protection; he staggered through
overgrown pastures and ocean-less beaches
in squads of twelve with his iron gavel in
his fists, searching for righteous testimony.

I'll Have the Prime Rib...Rare

2009-07-15T11:37:00.007-04:00

Ok, so this is by far the grossest story I've come across since I started blogging. My sister-in-law sent me an article (with video) that is pretty stomach turning AND the following blog isn't any less tasteless. You've been warned.

While visiting NYC from Germany, Axel Sanz-Claus, visited the Bull and Bear Steak House at the Waldorf for dinner. He got the steak (medium-rare) with a side of spinach. Everything was perfect until Jolly Old Sanz-Claus , mid meal, found a blood soaked TAMPON in his steak. That's right, a tampon. So...either he's lying and is looking for a payday; this steak was cut from a ~~PMSing~~ mad cow; or some disgusting pig in the restaurant's wait staff put a dirty period plug in this guys food. So, obviously the steak wasn't to his liking, but I wonder how the spinach was.

I can only imagine how the conversation with his waiter went:

Claus: "Excuse me? I know I asked for my steak rare, but..."

Waiter: "I know sir, I'm sorry. The chef overcooked it, so I took the liberty..."

Claus: "Well, I hope you're not expecting a tip."

Okay. So, maybe it didn't go down exactly like that. The worst part of this whole ordeal is, Claus had to go ot the hospital and be tested for Hepatitis AND had to schedule himself for a 6 month HI-Five test (yes, I know I used that clip before). Talk about scary! I get skeeved out when there is hair in my food.

I suppose the Bull and Bear will be getting a bad Zagat rating next time around.

The management at the Waldorf is said to be investigating the incident which I guess means rounding up the female employees and hoping they haven't been working together long enough to have synched up?

What I want them to learn from this investigation is the motive for the crime. Was it a malicious act of a fed up employee? A hoax perpetrated by a dirty old man with a taste for blood? Or merely an artful recreation of human biological function? We may never know.

Seemingly, all this poor guy wanted to do was take a nice vacation, catch a show or two, and do some shopping in the City that never sleeps. But all he has to show for it is a container holding a dirty a rag that looks like ABC gum. Yeah, that's right, Claus is holding onto the evidence. Perhaps he is looking for a big payday after all proving that old proverb, 'A tampon in a can is worth two from the bush.' Or something like that.

Nah, the real lesson is probably more like don't piss off the wait staff... Is it just me or is all this talk about food is making you hungry too...

YUCK!!!

Mannequins Make The Best Lovers

2009-07-13T11:33:00.009-04:00

Have you ever fantasized about Kim Cattrall? -You know, seeing past the plastic exterior that is her body and fall in love with the woman inside, ultimately breaking the Egyptian curse that she'd apparently been trapped by for thousands of years?

If you have, then I have a wonderful surprise for you. Your fantasies are now a reality thanks to Johan Rizki, of the Amora Sex Academy Museum in London and Berlin. This museum features 50 interactive displays of mannequins bumping together their anatomically incorrect plastic pelvises. This interactive dispaly is said to be a teaching tool offering helpful tips to sexually inept couples guaranteeing them a future of fantastic fornication. Thanks to this innovative display, not only will you become a better lover, but you'll no longer have to feel embarrassed about going from 6 to midnight after staring at the Victoria's Secret display window in the mall.

Men, you might have always wondered...'Is the clit real?'

Women, ever pondered...'Should I work the tip or go for the gusto?'

Sadly, answers to these questions and more are now right at your fingertips. Literally. For those who like to get their hands ~~sticky~~ plasticky, there is a mannequin that lights up and even screams with delight when you find its G-spot. Never mind the hundreds of onlookers with camera phones; its a small price to pay when you're giving an oversized doll a reach around.

Ever wonder where the pleasure/pain line is when giving your lover a leather lasso lashing? Well the museum's "Spank-O-Meter" is just the thing for you. Go ahead and whip this mannequins plastic posterior and her robotically recorded voice will let you know when you go from Casanova to Chris Brown.

Want to learn about the sexual positions that will help you lose the most weight? They have a display for you too. At this display, you will learn all about the "Italian Chandelier' which is said to burn up to 920 calories per hour and I can only assume is a position in which you hang upside down from the ceiling inside a crystal light bulb holder and try to finish before it breaks loose and you fall to you death...I might be off on that one.

So if you are in the London or Berlin area and want to ~~go down on~~ go see mannequins having sex (which I couldn't see why anyone wouldn't), then visit the Amora Sex Academy and fulfill your plasto-philic fantasies.

To the men readers: If you are nowhere near London OR Berlin, and are nowhere near confident in your techniques, then I suggest you stop fumbling around and take a trip over to Teacup's very informative blogs on the subject and learn yourself a thing or two.

The Stripper

2009-07-10T11:52:00.004-04:00

To follow up the story I posted about prostitution, I figured I'd post this piece I wrote. In this piece I was playing around with the spiritual meanings of numbers (just for fun as I don't believe in numerology since you can pretty much add things up any different way to get them to mean what you want them to mean).

The first two stanzas are 6 lines each (the number of the beast, also the 'human' number). The last stanza has 3 lines (the number of love, life, and the trinity). The whole piece (including the title) has 148 words. 1 is the number for God, or the beginning. 4 is the number for the material universe and creative works. 8 is the number for the new birth or new beginning.

The Stripper
“For tonight, with your own eyes, you will see my soul."
-Oscar Wilde

She snapped her stem two inches from someone’s
father’s nose as he swigged the eight dollar
pint of draught that he’d been baby-sipping
all night. He threw a dollar in his mouth and
slid it between the crack of her fluid stained
tanga. She smiled at him sideways and pulled it back across her lips.

The platform she poled from was warped and scarred
like runners at an old bowling alley. Cigarette burns
pocked the limbs of the bars like a sketch of her forearms.
She danced in dissociation inducing hypnotics upon
creatures cloaked in susceptibility. Nineteen and beautiful on the out-
side. Her insides tattered by hedonics like a picture of Dorian Gray.

And he stared into her from the corner like Basil into a fantastical
painting. He pictured them lying together in his garden, naked
and unaware beneath trees of immortality, sheltered from the fall.

The World Is Filled With Pimps & Hoes

2009-07-09T09:57:00.007-04:00

Here's a story I read that ~~cum~~ ~~came~~ came out of Amsterdam's Red Light District. Apparently, banks don't want to do business with creatures of the night. Though prostitution is legal, it is extremely ~~hard~~ difficult for working girls and their ~~pimps~~ supervisors to open bank accounts and get ~~loins~~ loans.

I can’t for the life of me figure out why they have so much trouble. I mean, its not like prostitution in Amsterdam is an all cash- drive behind a dumpster in the alley, one hand on the prize, the other adjusting the rearview mirror looking for cops -type industry. According to a city council member (hah, member), who is trying to work with banks to get them to accept hooker business, prostitution is a “bona fide industry” (hah, bona).

Bank CEO's are basically pimps anyway. Why shouldn’t Vagina Vendors be able to take their cash (minus 60% to the house of course) from inside their thigh-high black leather boots and, with dignity, open ~~their legs~~ an account? I’m sure that most of the bank employees are tricks anyway.

Besides, I would think that hookers, of all people, would be really good at keeping their accounts accruing. After all, in some sense, during their ~~6-9’s~~ 9 to 5's, they operate like banks do.

1. They make constant cash transactions
2. They open and close their vaults all day/night for clients to make deposits and withdrawals.
3. When clients come in to make a transaction, they can get an all-day sucker.
4. They look like they are offering a good rate of interest, but really just want your money.
5. They look clean, but their deposit boxes are filled with other people’s dirty secrets.
6. They might give you the HI-Five…okay, a real bank probably won’t, but a hooker might.

I for one am all for prostitutes gaining the right to open bank accounts like everyone else. After all, in most careers paths, you’re either the pimp or the ho. You just call it by a different name….oh, but you probably don’t get semen all over you while doing it.

2009-07-08T18:41:00.002-04:00

So I read a news story last week that freaked me out a little, but I'm just getting around to talking about now. Apparently there is a 16-year-old girl (Brooke Greenberg) in the Chicago area that doesn’t age. I don’t mean that she’s a midget. I mean she is 16, but has the mind and body of a toddler. To top that off, doctors don’t have clue as to why or how this is possible.

The girl weighs 16-pounds, is 2’6” tall and, though “she can express frustration and happiness”, she can’t speak. I wonder if she really has the consciousness of a 16-year-old and just the expression ability of a toddler. Her mother seems to believe that Brooke shows some signs of there being a normal teenage girl inside her stating that Brooke enjoys shopping.

Maybe she is being taught a life lesson like Bill Murray. Everyday she wakes up in her toddler body and reenacts the same events looking for meaning in them.

OR…

Maybe she isn’t a 16-year-old baby at all, but really a sophisticated video camera sent to Earth by diabolical space creatures to learn our ways and plan an eventual global takeover, and enslave our entire species…I’ve seen it a hundred times. Before long they will be placing subliminal messages in advertisements and we will all start walking around this planet like mindless drones. Wait, that’s already begun!! OMG! These creatures must be stopped!

Ok, enough of that.

Of course doctors are now going gaga over the thought that they might be able to use this poor girl to figure out why we age; and they are making ‘fountain of youth’ references, which means that she will soon become nothing more than a lab experiment.

They are actually going to run a show about her on TLC called: Child Frozen in Time, which will air on August 2nd at 10pm.

I think this is definitely worth a watch, though I don’t know what these doctors will actually discover about cell death that they don’t already know. Then again, it would be sweet if they did figure out how to slow down the aging process and people could be kids for longer. Then again…again, as evidenced by my ~~Scooby Doo underwears~~…my ~~cape~~ - Ok, Scooby Doo underwears AND cape, I don’t really need scientific breakthroughs to act like a kid.

Sold Souls

2009-07-06T08:37:00.004-04:00

I read a strange article this morning about a loan office in Latvia where a man, Viktor Mirosiichenko, has offered loans in exchange for the small price of your soul (in the case you can't repay the loan).

Now I'm not a preachy type person where religion is concerned, but it would seem to me that if someone believes in a soul; then they, in turn, most likely believe in...I dunno, God and the Devil. So, what would cause people to agree to offer their soul for collateral in a loan for a few hundred dollars?

It seems that of all the countries in the European Union, Latvia has been one of the most effected by the economic troubles of the world. Apparently, the people there feel they are running out of options and their calls to the sky have thus far been unanswered. Where can people turn when their prayers go unanswered? Pascal?...Or, how about a loan shark offering cold hard, TANGIBLE cash for a mere "soul". What a deal! He should go into business with these guys so that after he collects the souls, he has somewhere to dump the bodies.

Even more interesting than the crazy terms of this loan is the fact that Mr. Mirosiichenko only requires that participants provide their first name. When asked why, he answered, "If they don't give it back, what can you do? They won't have a soul, that's all." Either this guy is completely nuts, or he is actually a soul collecting- soul collector for satan.

One thing is for sure, extreme poverty and desperation can seemilngly turn even the most devout person into a sinful sinner who sins.

View From The Bench

2009-07-01T10:38:00.002-04:00

I started out not posting too many personal things, but its becoming a bit more frequent recently. Here's another piece I wrote. Hope you all enjoy.

View From the Bench

I lean against the backdrop of a
Skyless sun. Bunched beds of
Catsears wait in line to be freed

From the desiccated soil by a little
Girl in an auburn sundress and
Bows in her hair. She scrunches

The bloomed stems together
For the boy with the overalls
Rolled up to his knees standing

In algae-crusted water, skipping
Rocks. He pops their heads off
And releases the petals from

Shore like Regattas over
The River Thames. She blows
The fruit seeds from the bracts

And sits Indian-style on the knoll
Like Terpsichore as they dance
Across her shoulders to

The Lyrés trances. A dust-bowler
Fitted with a derby and hickory cane
Sits on the bench beside me, beside

His wife. They giggle and sway as
They feed the Mallards crumbed heels
Of cracked honey wheat. Little kids

Swing, trying to grasp the sun, before
Ejecting and Crashing to the shredded
Rubber mulch that fills the play box

While babysitting sisters sneak off
Behind the lavatories between
Innings with the boys playing pickup

Baseball. They tumble over beds of
Burned out Lucky’s and empty beer
Bottles , playing games of roulette

With their adolescence.
An Irish Setter and a Mastiff loudly
Howl back and forth, mimicking the

Incoherent droolings from their
Owner’s lips as they run circles around
Conversation.

I crack open a Komunyakaa and drift

Caped Controversy 6/30

2009-06-30T09:59:00.012-04:00

In Caped Controversy blog posts I will pit participants from controversial or media hyped events against each other and declare a winner.

Venue: THE THRILLER in ~~MANILLA~~ NEVERLAND

One-Handed Knife Fight, Beat It style.

Participants: Occupants on a bus in Miami who just learned of Jackson’s death.Rivals from two opposing gangs (aka The MJ Warriors vs. The Anti-Jackites) will be matched up and have one hand tied to their opponent. The rules? There are no rules. Switchblades will be swung. Blood will be shed. And Jheri-curl juice will be drippin’…We might even see a Wesley Snipes cameo.

Hype: The brawl erupted after an occupant on the bus (James Kiernan) received a text regarding MJ’s death and read it aloud to the other occupants. The bus driver, and head of the Anti-Jackites, accused MJ of being a not-so- smooth criminal who should have been in jail for being a ~~pediatrician~~ pedophile. An argument ensued, a knife really was drawn, and these illegitimate children of Billie Jean were all out to prove who was truly Bad…and none of them would stop ‘til they got enough. It didn’t say in the article whether the perpetrators were Black or White, but that doesn’t matter! (more ridiculous song references to follow).

The Match: After the bus driver and Kiernan exchanged words, one of the Anti-Jackite henchmen (Henry Wideman) drew a knife and began chasing Kiernan in an attempt to rock his world. Lounging back and forth at each other doing what appeared to be more like synchronized dance moves then a fight sequence, the MJ Warriors were adamant on letting the Anti-Jackites know exactly how they made them feel.

The Result: The brawl ended in the arrest of Henry Wideman who tried to explain his outburst by blaming it on the boogie, rather than owning up to his rage and looking at the man in the mirror.

There is no winner in this ridiculous battle. It’s okay to be passionate about things, but to get into a brawl with people over a difference in opinion (especially one with no real consequence to anyone’s life) is primitive and idiotic. There are much bigger and more important battles to be waged.

With the death of Michael Jackson we lost one of the most influential singers/dancers in history. His personal life was full of personal demons. Was he a pedophile? Maybe, but I know that if I were a parent of a child who claimed to be molested, no sum of money would be large enough to replace justice, so? I also know that if I judged actors/singers by their personal lives rather than their art, I’d have nothing to watch or listen to. Either way, everyone involved in this dispute on the bus is a loser. I think we all need to spend a little less time fighting each other, and a little more time trying to heal the world.

Man…how many song references was that?

Her Walls

2009-06-29T10:12:00.002-04:00

A buddy of mine asked me off-line to post some more poetry. This one is about a girl I met back when I was on active duty that really messed me up for a while because she was a cheating cheater who cheated...a lot.

Her Walls

When I arrived in her place I could tell
her door had been left unhinged
for anyone else’s input. Even her walls
were not the same, though
she claimed she had done all of her own cleaning
while I was away humping the desert.
I drew back and pointed for a second
then shriveled like a leech on a damp basement wall
held under a lit match; fuming as I retreated
back into my clothes. With urgency in her body and wearing only
a t-shirt that wasn’t mine,
her lips tried to lure me back inside as if a fresh coat of paint
could hide the stains seeping through the cracks of shoddy
masonry work; I did not want to get trapped inside.
I stared at her walls searching for something concrete.
My eyes locked on to her waste basket where,
barely buried, beneath a swell of tissues slept
a spoiled bag of unwanted children
calling out like the North Star during Christ’s conception.

He left as I entered and we rotated
in and out of her like civilizations over centuries.
Raining death on her as she reigned over us;
She-the queen, he-the king, and I
wasn’t writing on her walls
just for the fuck.

I'm Interested

2009-06-26T12:09:00.002-04:00

I consider myself to be somewhat of a movie buff. I am a big horror movie junky, but I watch a ton of movies from most genres. I'd like to know what everyone's top 3 movies from the following genres are. Here are mine:

Horror: Jaws, The Shining, Halloween

Comedy: Animal House, Ghostbusters, There's Something About Mary

Action: Die Hard, Kill Bill, The Warriors

Triller/ Suspense: The Game, The Usual Suspects, Fight Club

Foreign: Life Is Beautiful, Battle Royale, Pan's Labrynth

Teen: Breakfast Club, The Outsiders, Better Off Dead (really a comedy, but..)

Drama: The Music Within, Goodfellas, Crash

War: Platoon, Black Hawk Down, Full Metal Jacket

So...what are yours? Any other genres you want to include?

The Smell Of Breakfast

2009-06-25T16:00:00.003-04:00

Here is a short story I wrote. It's a little messed up and kinda long, but I hope you all enjoy.

The Smell of Breakfast

“Damn!” Nash exclaimed. “I never realized how cold it was in this place. I haven’t had my head shaved in years. It’s bitter cold.”

Nash’s gaze set upon the hash marks in the wall. The latex paint covering the gray cinder block of his cell was chipped and peeled away, much of which was done by him as he sat day in and day out for the last seventeen years reliving the night his life changed forever. The steel bars smoked as stale condensation landed on and then dissipated from them. Rib-eye and garlic mashed potatoes from his last meal subtly lingered from his food tray.

“I don’t know where to begin Padre”, Nash begged.

“To make peace with God, you must soulfully repent for the sin that brought you down this path my son”, urged the Padre.

“I can still feel the sting on the tips of my fingers from the first time the bat hit his head,” began Nash. He looked down at his dry calloused hands and began to rub his thumbs against his fingers. His eyes stared though the cinder block wall behind where the Padre sat, in front of where freedom stood. “The warmth of the blood that splashed my cheek…my lips”. The padre’s eyebrows cringed and Nash could see his chest rise and fall immensely as he took in a breath.

Tilting his shaven head down and leaning back against the headboard of his bunk, Nash drew back from his confession.

“My mom was a good person. I know that. It’s just…she was a bad judge of character and I think she was scared to be alone”. Like a tabloid journalist salivating at the sight of a celebrity scandal, the padre leaned into Nash’s memory.

“First it was my father; I call him the sperm donor. He left me a bastard when I was four. There were three things he loved in life: booze, coke, and women. I don’t really know anything else about him. I don’t really even know that for sure, but that’s what my mom used to tell me”.

“For a few years, guys came and left the apartment like sailors home on shore leave; never staying for more than a few weeks”.

“Don’t worry”, she’d say.

“Like a fantastical bedtime story, she’d tell me; tell herself; 'Don’t worry my prince. One day I’ll marry a king. He’ll love us. He’ll take us away'”.

“Tom, the reason why I’m here…he got the job when I was about nine. At first, he seemed alright. Promising to take care of us, love us”. Nash moved uncomfortably on his bunk shrugging his arms toward his shoulder blades to crack his back. “He took care of us alright”.

“I can remember the first time I saw the bruises on her face and arms shoddily covered up with foundation. It was a Saturday morning and I came from my bedroom to the smell of pancakes and the terrible sound of my mom singing Tammi Terrell’s I Can’t Believe You Love Me. I sat at the table twirling my fork turning the pancakes into rubble. I just stared at her. She looked like she had been barraged with a shotgun full of softballs. After ignoring my stares for a few minutes she told me she was moving boxes in the attic, a stack of them fell on her late after we went to bed.”

“'It’s a good thing your father woke up because I was just buried under those things. You didn’t hear anything?’ She questioned hoping I hadn’t but acting surprised when I said no.”

“And that’s pretty much how the days passed, Padre. He’d beat her and she’d lie to protect either me or him, I’m not sure. Sometimes I’d hear it too. The fighting, the fuck yous, the echoing snap of the back of his hands blasting off of her cheek bone late at night. It wasn’t long before the beatings spread like a sixteenth century plague down to me. We were prisoners serving under his tyrannical reign and she’d keep trying to hide his hatred with make-up and pancakes. I started to hate the smell of breakfast”.

For a second, Nash winced and his hand began to tremble under the weight of his memories. The lights in the ward flickered on and off and from the smell of singed leather haunted the air. He knew time was short.

“Ok my son, its ok”. The Padre placed his hand on Nash’s shoulder seemingly pushing him back into his recollection.

“I was thirteen. I was getting ready for school that morning when I smelled- Nothing. I didn’t smell pancakes, I didn’t hear singing. I came downstairs to find my mom sitting at the table drinking what I can only guess wasn’t coffee. In the reflection of a family portrait on the other side of the table I could see her face. Her eye was bloodshot; her nose was encrusted with blood and snot. Before I could say anything to her, she stood up and hugged me. She squeezed and told me not to worry; that everything would be alright. That I had to go to school and act as I always have; like everything was okay”.

“I left the house, but I didn’t go to school. How could I? I sat under the trestle that ran over the train tracks for most of the day. I smoked Newport’s, I threw rocks at the trains, and I cried. I cried until my eyes were deserted and began to burn; until there weren’t any tears left”.
“I stayed out there until it was dark and my thoughts were numb. When I got home, both my mom’s and Tom’s trucks were in the driveway.

Inside, the quiet was deafening until I reached the stairs. Muffled crying sounded from behind my mom’s bedroom door. I snuck up and opened it to see Tom standing over my mother’s body. He was crying. He was still in his work suit. The stench of vomit smacked me in the nose causing me to tear up as well”.

“She killed herself”. Tom said, kicking a pill bottle against the wall. “The bitch killed herself. She didn’t even leave a note. She just fucking killed herself and left me with you. Cops are on their way. You better keep your mouth shut or I’ll put you next to her”.

“And that’s when it happened,” interrupted the Padre with an odd breath of exultation.

“I turned toward my room without a word and went to fall to my bed when I saw it. A note: To my Prince, I’m sorry! I love you!”

“They told me I hit him more than eighty times before the cops got there, but I only remember that first shot. The sound his skull made; the warmth of his blood.” Nash’s gaze set upon the barred window. Suddenly, his body spasmed and his eyes jetted wide like a soul reentering a comatose body. He returned focus on the Padre.

“That’s the first time since the trial I’ve spoken about this. The first time I felt…anything. Thank you”.

“My son”, the Padre began. “Your salvation lies with the Lord. It is his forgiveness you have sought through your confession to me. It is the Lord whose judgment you must now face.”

Nash shook his head correctively. “No Padre. It is neither God’s judgment nor his forgiveness that I seek. It is his understanding for the actions I took against the life he handed me; and an answer for why he did it... Call the guard, I’m ready to find out”.

I'm Leaving It Up To You

2009-06-25T11:47:00.002-04:00

I feel like posting another personal writing (either a short story or a poem) at some point today and I am interested in knowing what those of you who follow my blog would rather read (or actually read). If you have an opinion, or a request, or simply don't care. Leave me a comment so I know.

Poem?

Short Story?

Neither?

Both?

Thanx.

If You Don't Go Bareback, They'll Give You A Greenback

2009-06-25T08:46:00.007-04:00

That is the idea that some geniuses at the University of North Carolina are peddling. The University has unfurled a program called College Bound Sisters which is aimed at girls aged 12-18. The program will provide monetary compensation to all participants if they are able to follow two simple rules. Show up once a week for a 90-minute meeting to learn about safe sex, and don't get pregnant. Yea, you read that right. This program is going to pay little kids to not get knocked up. So what is the price of keeping these apparently parentless girls from accepting sexual deposits and investing in a 9-month baby brewing plan? That would be the whopping sum of $7 per week, deposited into an account for their college fund.

Is this genius or what? Setting aside ethics for a second I just want to point out that the average college cost for ONE year is $6,585. That means at $7 per day, kids would have to remain in this program for 18 years to pay for two semesters at a public college.

Ok, now back to the obvious stuff. Whose harebrained idea is it to pay kids to do what they are supposed to do in the first place? What ever happened to that silly little thing called parenting your children? Look. I dunno....maybe I'm a little out of touch...or maybe I'm just not stupid, but it seems to me that if parents spent a little more time actually raising their kids and teaching them about things like world culture, sex, tolerance, RESPONSIBILITY for your actions; and spent a little less time shrugging off these parental essentials so they can be their kids BFF's; then, perhaps, there wouldn't be room for such a nonsensical program.

Maybe I'm wrong here. Maybe we should incorporate this school of thought to get everyone to do what they are supposed to do. --DIGRESSION ALERT: by "do what they are supposed to do" I am not talking about things that can logically be debated like career paths, education options, religious beliefs, or cultural norms in countries other than my own. --

As I was saying, maybe we should start paying everyone to do what they are supposed to do:

"Hey there Mr. pedophile. Here's a dollar, don't touch that kid."

"DOPE MAN, DOPE MAN! I think that my good friend Abe Lincoln would want you to turn that stove off."

"Kids...will you do your homework? NO? Well, then how about for a nice crisp dollar bill?"

I know I am stretching this blog entry out like a pregnant teen's belly, but I think there is validity to what I'm saying. The logic behind a social program like this is completely flawed. I am all for the prevention of teen pregnancy, BELIEVE ME. I don't like seeing my tax dollars being wasted on the inconsideration and irresponsibility of others, but programs like this are ineffective and end up just wasting that much more money (which in this case equals $75,000 per year).

Lets stop constantly lowering the bar and start holding people responsible for their actions and the actions of their children.

Hot Tin Roof

2009-06-23T15:08:00.002-04:00

Here's another military poem I wrote.

Hot Tin Roof
“I've got the guts to die. What I want to know is, have you got the guts to live?”
-Tennessee Williams

From tin huts just under twice the
Size of a 19th century outhouse,
Abdali peasants rise with the sun.
Skylights are rusted into the roofs of
Their beach homes; oven vents for 145-
Degree-days. Sheep companion those
Fortunate enough to keep one alive.
Earning less than pocket change by
Kuwaiti standards, they work like
Mexican day laborers in America
Farming coffin sized plots to sustain
Their families. They see no prophet
In oil. Kuwaiti citizens make up the jobless
Wealthy impersonating Persian emperors and
Empresses; while Tectovs stranded
Beyond a civilization they’re refused,
Bombard us with outstretched
Arms as we convoy across the dunes.
Tan-quew!
M.R.E? Cold water?
Their gaunt faces, and tattered clothes
Remind us of why we are there.
We surrender the supplies we can spare.

Something For Everyone

2009-06-23T12:29:00.003-04:00

If you scroll down, along the left hand side of my page, you will notice a section called "Shameless Plugs". Do yourselves a favor and check some out. There is a wide variety of blog-types. I'm sure you'll come across something you'd enjoy. If you find one you like, show your support and become a follower. That is all.

...And For Those Who Can't Teach? Well, They Get Paid Anyway

2009-06-23T09:04:00.007-04:00

I read a story this morning that is just aggravating. It seems that the teacher's union in NYC is so powerful that teachers get paid no matter what their conduct in class is. Right now, there are an estimated 700 teachers and administrators who have been let go from their positions for various violations including insubordination, threatening students , and sexual misconduct; yet they are still getting paid their salaries and benefits, costing the tax payers ~65 million dollars per year.

How can this be? How can they justify paying a VERY hands on anatomy teacher or a gym teacher who spends too much time in the locker room after class? Well, because "their union contract makes it extremely difficult to fire them". Feel Better now? Me too.

So what do these teachers who have been let go, but continue to collect, do all day? They are sent to reassignment centers where they can spend up to a few years and "practice yoga, work on their novels, paint portraits of their colleagues — pretty much anything but school work."

What the fuck?!

That my friends, is what our tax dollars go toward.

In true Shawshank fashion, the teachers of course all claim they are the victims and are innocent of the violations for which they've been accused. My guess is, most are probably not completely innocent. Those few who may be, still should not be collecting full salaries while they are under investigation.

This reassignment center is supposed to be a setting in which teachers can continue to hone their craft until their hearing and either be fired or allowed back in the classroom. BUT according to one reassigned high school teacher, Jennifer Saunders, "There was a bar across the street. Teachers would sneak out and hang out there for hours."

Man, being a teacher sounds okay, but being at teacher who is pending a hearing sounds better than a toga party at the Delta house.

How unions get away with these crimes is beyond me. I am so sick of our tax dollars being wasted on adults who contribute nothing to our society.

I guess the lesson here is if you want to get paid to do nothing then you should get a job as a teacher, gain tenure, and then do something like this . Seriously, if I had known that's all I had to do, I'd be at home in my draws right now eating a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles and playing Call of Duty.

Not really, but still...

Educators have one of the most important jobs in our society and it’s a shame to see positions being wasted on those who'd abuse that. There are plenty of great professionals out there who don't get the recognition they deserve. Meanwhile, those who are unfit, reap incredible benefits. A teacher should have passion for education and not for their students.

I love it when a news story gives me the opportunity to insert a bunch of random movie clips :)

Caped Controversy 6/22

2009-06-22T08:19:00.006-04:00

In Caped Controversy blog posts I will pit participants from controversial or media hyped events against each other and declare a winner.

Venue: Naked Pillow Fight (free for all) on a Queen sized bed

Participants: Sascha Baron Cohen vs. Brian Graden (President of LOGO) w/ 3rd Rail Media, and a few overly sensitive members of the gay community (AKA The G-Unit) ringside

Hype: Cohen has once again made enemies with his 'over the top' movie characters. This time, some members of the G-Unit are targeting his character BRUNO as harmful to their cause. In the height of the PC era, its safe to say that few actors have pushed the envelope farther than Cohen. With Bruno it is no different. Is he stereotypical"?- Yes. Over the top? -Yes. Poking fun at gays?- Of course. And? Well, after countless appearances, prancing around in a thong on TV to promote his movie, Cohen was finally challenged to a fight to the death... in the form of a naked pillow fight.

The Match: We pick up this match already under way and feathers a'flying as random members of the G-Unit keep skipping dandily from the bedposts onto the bed and swinging wildly at Cohen. Cohen, a highly trained master of mano-a-mano naked bed fighting (as proven in Borat) has thus far successfully dodged the limp-wristed lounges of his opponents. Until this point Cohen had emerged without a scratch. That was until, Brian Graden and 3rd Rail Media loaded their pillow with bricks....of film footage. Coming on at Cohen from both sides like a male bondage video and swinging the fully loaded pillows fiercely and ~~ungayly~~ unhappily. They hit him with footage of interviews with some Hollywood insiders who condemn his portrayal of homosexuals.

The Result: It appeared to be all but over for Cohen as the G-Unit had him pinned, belly down on the bed, gagging him with a wad of feathers. Just as they were about to ride Cohen into submission, a reporter on the video tried to take one more devastating swing at him by ....(are you ready for this?) comparing the character Bruno to the bigoted 'blackface' characters portrayed in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. But, this overeager ~~Patriot~~ Gay-triot (I believe I might have just made that up :) ) missed Cohen and hit other members of the G-Unit with his ridiculous and overreaching suggestion rendering them impotent. Cohen finished off the remaining members of the G-Unit with a booty shake dance to some bad Austrian techno music and emerged victorious. Not only is this outrage unfounded, it will ultimately help ticket sales. People love controversy. COHEN WINS!

This entry was intentionally politically incorrect. Bruno is obviously not a threat to the advancement of gay rights. If anything, it points out how ridiculous all of the controversy is. Frivilous outrage by communities attempting to advance their cause only end up hurting it.

A Few More Poems

2009-06-19T13:51:00.003-04:00

Thought I'd throw a few more poems up here. These are some fun ones as opposed to the military ones I posted the other day. Hope you enjoy.

Sharks in a Tub

My irrational fear of
Sharks causes me to
Do a double-take into
A glass of water before
I take a drink

Thanks to Peter Benchley
And the ice in the pool fiasco
I’ve limited my relationships
With water to-

The shower
And
The hot tub

One for the desire to be clean
The other- with the hopes of
Getting dirty like they do in
All of those reality TV shows-
Cameras optional on both accounts

I did notice how fast my mind
Swims from fears to fantasies and
Not once have I checked beneath
The bubbles in the Jacuzzi for the

Jaws of a Great White,
But I guess that’s the
Power that even just the idea
Of sex has over me

****

Super Dooper

The grill wouldn’t light again.
The gas-full blast
The burners- wide open
The igniter- fucked!
Until
CLICK! And in a flash
Fireballs shot from all three
Burners at me like the
Breath of an ancient Chimera.
I didn’t move.
There was no time
And my arms,
They’re hairy, man. But
I didn’t catch.
The flames danced around me
Like the devils minions.
The answer was obvious,
I am a Superhero.
Impervious to fire-
Retardant, if you will.

I went to bed plotting
How I would fight crime-
Save lives.
The next morning I sprung up
From bed and dashed
To the kitchen for breakfast,
But what do Superheroes eat?
Chocolate Pop Tarts, of course.
I popped those suckers into
The toaster and flashed
To the fridge.
I ripped the milk out and
Took a swig with one hand fisted
At my hip like, well,
Like all the other Superheroes do.

CLICK! The Pop Tarts leaped
From the fire like they were
Ready to soar.
I threw my hand out and
Clutched one of the SuperTarts
OOOW! The son of a bitch
Burned me! The chocolate seeped
Through the top and
Burned the shit out of my hand!

…So I took off
My tights and cape,
And got ready for work.

Everyone Loves A Sale

2009-06-19T10:23:00.006-04:00

I read a story about a cemetery in Indianapolis that is having a 'buy 1, get 1 free' sale on grave plots. That's right folks, thanks to a shipping error, the Memorial Park Cemetery is, apparently, currently overstocked on ~~wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men~~...grave plots. And they are passing the savings on to you!

Good Credit? Bad Credit? No Credit? --As long as you have a pulse and don't plan on getting any hickeys from this guy -- NO PROBLEM! Don't miss out on this once in a death-time opportunity as it might very well be the greatest sale since Beetlemania 1988. Unfortunately, they do not offer a lay-away program.

Everyone loves a sale...everyone loves a gift. Nothing says 'til death do us part like a 6' by 9' eternal vacation spot. The only way they could sweeten this deal is if they threw in a couple of custom headstones. I definitely want a fun headstone. Right now I'm torn between: "I'm coming to get you Barbara!" and "Ut-Oh, there's no more room in hell."

General Manager Mark McCronklin assures that this sale is not in response to the economy, which, to me, is a strange thing to say. Are there people out there who think the economy is so bad that if they died and couldn't afford 'prime real estate' in the cemetery that they would end up being thrown out with the Monday/Wednesday trash?

Either way, if you plan on dying some day and live in the Indianapolis area you should hurry on down to the Memorial Park Cemetery 'where they do their best to provide their customers (Rest In) Peace of mind.'

Caped Controversy

2009-06-18T19:04:00.003-04:00

In Caped Controversy blog posts I will pit participants from controversial or media hyped events against each other and declare a winner.
( Email suggested match-ups here: capedtirader@gmail.com)

Participants: HANDICAP MATCH!!

President Obama vs a House Fly and Peta

Hype: In what 'major' news outlets are deeming 'news worthy' President Obama got into a fight with a housefly during a CNBC interview.

The Match: In the middle of his interview, The Barack layed the smackdown delivering a devastating Rick Flair-esque chop to Super Housefly Snuka putting it out of commission. The match was all but over when The Barack exclaimed "That was pretty impressive, wasn't it? I got the sucker." But then PETA came off the top ropes with a plea for more compassion to flies and sent him a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher.

The Result: To be determined. In a one-on-one, The Barack could take the Super Housefly with ease. He may even be able to defeat PETA if he sticks to his Barack Bottom-line, but if he placates PETAs hypersensitive nonsense and apologizes (or is featured using the bug catcher), he forfeits and the win goes to the terrible tag-team.

UPDATE (6/19/2009): Since posting this, The Barack has expressed sorrow for giving the 'President's Elbow' to the Superfly and has therefore LOST the match. PETA and the fly win in a devastating blow against logical thought.

Out Of Character

2009-06-18T09:01:00.002-04:00

Every now and then I shift gears from News stories to something personal. Today I wanted to share some poems from a book that I wrote. I hope you enjoy and leave comments!! :) I will post more poems later today :)

Military Poems:

Watch

O-dark-thirty, as far as I can tell.
Twigs snap in cadence as the leaves double-time past
The wolves battle-cry scaring the piss from the clouds

We lie in the prone, stiff as rigor mortis
aiming out at the night from our shallow graves,
hiding in red light discipline.

Scanning out the chasm as one mound
melts into another. The moon rests upon tree canapés
mockingly counting the galaxies. None of the mounds are moving.

Our ready arms rest but remain reactionary
musing over the muted stagger and lurid breath
that crashes upon us muffling our reflexes.

In a nearby hasty, sparks and shadow trails
look like comets falling through rainforest fatigues.
Their position now blown, I relax and blow mine.

Rain ambushes the seam of my shelter-half then
plummets in a HALO mission taking occupancy.
Invading from all sides like the Tet Offensive.

Whispers in the grass sing me sadistic lullabies.
If I die....box me up and....
Pin my metals.... mom I did my best.

The air clots with the carbon emissions
lingering from the spent chambers.
Narcissistic stars gaze at their reflection in the brass.

I put my cigarette in my cargo pocket and
take aim at a protrusion from the ground. It’s still-
probably nothing; I flip my sight regardless.

I wait for the onslaught wearing a cloak
of Audie Murphy with 40 rifles to pass,
but only time does.

The moon has convoyed with clouds.
The grounds rumor with tank fire
as apparitions rise in a haze.

O-five-thirty. The shadows take cover
from fiery heat-seekers. The mounds are still.
I rest upon my K-pot and count the galaxies.

Highway 80
From Kuwait to Basra

Looming like London fog,
incinerated flesh still soaks the sandbox
like a forty year flood. Two-by-two they dissipated.
None were spared as powder filled capsules exploded
like meteors compositing grains to glass and creating
caramelized erosions deep into the dunes
begetting a vaporous junkyard. Charcoaled
skin molded to the steering wheel of an overturned Chevy
flaps in the breeze; a posthumous flag of surrender.
We recon through the rusted panels for souvenirs praying
they are not rigged with explosives, looking over
both shoulders as if they are still there watching. Still
twenty or thirty clicks away from our Kabals we
felt uneasy as the incoherent whispers of fallen combatants
lingered; bouncing back and forth against rapid breaths.

Common Sense Rules

2009-06-17T11:02:00.003-04:00

I am a big proponent of the 'rule of law', but sometimes I think it is abundantly clear that certain situations call for exceptions to be made in the name of common sense and humanity.

Last night I read a story about a couple from Darfur who, after 2 1/2 years were finally allowed to bring their 4-year-old daughter from a refugee camp in that hell hole to the states where they have gained asylum. Here is a case where the laws on the book were painted with too broad of a stroke.

Motasim Adam, a NYC cab driver, was granted asylum in the U.S. in 2002 for both he and his wife. However, his daughter, Wejdan, was not granted asylum because she was conceived shortly after his application was approved. So, rather than anyone examining the situation and recognizing the simple solution (grant the baby asylum), U.S. law makers advised the mother to make a modern day Sophie's Choice (only without the whole Auschwitz thing...or the whole leave on child to die in order to save the other thing...ok...so maybe its not the modern day Sophie's, but you get what I'm saying) -and leave her baby girl in a refugee camp in Sudan, as it would be 'easier' for her to gain asylum if both parents were here appealing.

My gripe with this whole thing is, we have people flooding into the country without any documentation or taxable identification, who start off their life-anew by breaking laws every day and many law-makers bend over backwards to protect their "Constitutional Rights" (of which they earned none). BUT then, here we have whom I see as a stand up man, coming here to work and go through the system in order to improve the lives of himself and his family members, and it takes the geniuses at immigration 2 years to secure a visa for his baby daughter. That my friends is more than a "legal SNAFU", it is more like a legal TARFU with FUBAR sprinkles in a BOHICA bowl. (enough military acronyms for ya?)

The good news is, they are finally reunited after a long legal battle. The bad news is this little girl's first memory is that her parents left her in a refugee camp for two years...she may have some abandonment issues later on in life. Luckily for her the city has a shrink for any occasion.

While it took them way too long, at least they got it right. Congrats to the Adam family.

Hey! You Got Some Face on Your Tattoo...

2009-06-16T14:35:00.006-04:00

I have to admit that this story made me smile due to the stupidity of its participants.

An 18-year-old girl, Kimberley Vlaminck, was taken by her father to get a tattoo on her face as a gift from him to her. Vlaminck said she asked the tattoo artist (Rouslan Toumaniantz) for 3 stars near her left eye, but by the end of the session her face looked like an American flag representing 56 of the 57 states that Obama said he traveled to during his presidential campaign. Apparently she fell asleep when the artist started, but woke up before he could get to the 57th. During this whole time her father, being the responsible parent he is, went out to get an ice cream.

Ok...first of all, there is no way this chick fell asleep while her face was being inked.

Second of all, what kind of terrible father takes their utterly dense 18-year-old girl to a tattoo parlor to get a tattoo on her face? Is he trying to guarantee that her only career options are either sliding upside down, down a pole in a smoky bar to a Motley Crue song or as a backdrop of a clear night sky in an off-Broadway play?

So now, of course, the dad is suing the tattoo parlor for money to get the stars surgically removed, but the artist is refusing to pay claiming that the girl asked to be covered in stars and only complained after her father saw what had happened. I can only imagine that the shock of seeing his Outerspace-faced freak of a daughter caused him to drop his cone to the ground which, in my starry eyes, is the real tragedy of the story.

In light of the fact that I don't believe for one second that the girl didn't know what was going on in that parlor AND the fact that her father took her there with the intention of allowing her to get a face tattoo, I have decided to call shenanigans on the lawsuit. The dad is a lousy one and the daughter is an irresponsible but legal adult who, if she can't stay awake while someone rips a needle across her face, should probably start drinking more coffee or stop taking Ambien.

Therefore, I am going to plug Mr. Toumaniantz's parlor right now: The Tattoo Box

Will The Real Salaam-Shady Please Stand Up!

2009-06-15T16:02:00.006-04:00

There is no doubt that we, the living masses in 2009, are living in tumultuous times overflowing with war. Then again, in the history of mankind, there hasn't been an age where this wasn't the case. As intelligent as we immodestly boast, modern humans haven't been able to live at peace with each other for over 200,000 years, which defiantly calls into question our so called intelligence; leaving us looking pretty brainless.

Though most profess their desire for the peaceful advancement of our species, sadly, none of us will ever see the day where people from all parts of the globe unite to participate in what is our true common causality. BUT that doesn't mean that we all shouldn't try.

The one advancement that separates us from people of preceding centuries is computerization. There is literally nothing that one can't uncover if they have access to a computer. With this powerful tool we have immediate access to the rest of the world linking us in a way that makes it impossible for a person do deny that all causes have a real effect on all peoples.

The big news over the past few days has been the election (if you believe that's what it was) in Iran where Mahmoud Im-a-Douche-Inejad allegedly won with a 63% majority. If these results are true, then 63% of the Iranian voting population are what I am calling Salaam-Shady, or people who make under-handed claims that they want peace.

HOWEVER, I don't believe this to be the case. For the last few days there have been hundreds of thousands of Iranian protesters worldwide speaking out against President Im-a-Douche, his tyrannical leadership, and his utterly illogical and ignorant stances (both domestic and foreign).
A revolution, overthrowing this nutbag, may very well be in the works. Revolutions are not always a good thing, but you don't have to be Alexis de Tocqueville to realize that a movement where people in that region are uniting against tyranny and for liberty is most definitely a good thing.

There are some out there who may think that this is an insignificant event; cynics who believe that the election of Mir Hossein Moussavi will prove unimportant. I say to those people, you have missed the point. The election isn't the significant factor. The peoples' willingness to stand up for themselves in the face of injustice is the type of historic event that could begin to change the face of a region that has never seen peace.

Now, about nuclear power. I'm probably going to take some heat for this, but I really believe that you can't expect a country's leader or its followers to show respect and decency toward the lives of others, if a mutual respect and decency isn't reciprocated. Before I go too far let me clarify that I am not talking about sit-downs with terror states or rogue nations. President Im-a-Douche has no intentions of living peacefully with the rest of the world as proven by things like his denial of the Holocaust and his clear disregard for human rights; therefore, Iran under his regime should not be permitted by the rest of the world to continue nuclear development. Afterall, it is our only world and it is up to all of us to pretect it.

BUT, if a freely elected government of country has proven to the world stage that it is interested in becoming part of our global community (regardless of religious or cultural differences), then that country should have every right to develop the technologies the rest of us enjoy.

The question is, could Iran become a true partner to free countries in this experiment called life? Only time will tell. Step one-choose freedom and liberty for themselves-is underway. Step two- choose to live in peace with the rest of the free world- is yet to be seen.

As I write this, protesters are dying for their desire to live free. There will always be some who will try to stifle forward progression through acts of terrible violence. When this occurs, you must continue to stand tall against them.

We are never EVER all going to agree on everything. What is important is that we respect the beliefs of others and that they respect ours.

All we can do now is wait and see.

The Wire

2009-06-11T10:08:00.003-04:00

I thought I'd do something a little different today as my last post before my trip to Lake Placid and post a short story I wrote. I hope you all enjoy.

THE WIRE

Sweat stung Officer John Landau’s eyes like a branding from a hot iron searing a cow’s hide. The timer had already ticked down to 04:53 and he hadn’t even begun to examine the bomb’s rigs and wires. Under five minutes Landau. There were so many wires; blue, red, white, yellow, and orange all spaghetti bowled together in a clumped mass on top of the steady pace of the clock that held his fate.

04:17- Landau’s knuckles popped in his clenched hands. Unzipping his kit, he grabbed a magnifier and his 5” wire cutters. The magnifier clipped to the left lens of his glasses and the Kevlar covering his body made him look like a cyborg in blue fatigues if not for the scars on his unmistakably human bared hands. Landau traced the first blue wire to the base of the bomb, closed one eye tight and squeezed down on the clippers in anticipation of failure. Tick- the clock continued downward toward and Landau exhaled enormously- 04:05.

Leaning closer, the stench of his own steaming breath bounced off of the clocks metal plate stunning his senses but not wavering his focus. The red wire was booby-trapped with a spring loaded trigger, one cut and Landau’s career, his marriage, his life as he knew it would be over. He grabbed the electrical tape from his bag and with the gentleness of a nurse in a neo-natal ICU ward, tagged the wire and drew back his cutters.

03:36, Landau’s mind began to jitter, skipping back to his first training exam; and his second. Both ending in a puff of smoke and a spray of faux noxious gas; and then lingering on as his Achilles Heel. 03:18, a blind clip and the yellow wire falls limply like a neglected flower. BUT the clock remained and, for the time being, Landau was still around.

Remember your training, John. Personal plights blended with professional in a stew of poor self image. Two failed Bomb Squad exams; two lost opportunities to advance, three disrespectful children, and a failing marriage. 02:28, Landau stared at his reflection in the clock’s faceplate. The sweat dripped from his face like wax from a candle. Over his reflections shoulder stood his Captain, his partner Jason, and the department’s shrink. Emotionless faces, disappointed eyes.

02:02, Landau hopped off of his mind’s rollercoaster and traced the orange wire. It looked clean but couldn’t be cut. It was grounded and needed to be replaced. Each tick of the clock resonated in the background of John’s persistent thoughts. He grabbed a dummy wire and unsheathed the copper from the rubber guard using his splicer. Twisting the copper into a ponytail, he secured it near the base of the orange connection. Gently, he pulled the orange wire, but it sent a shock up his arm. A light cloud of smoke lifted from the hair on his right hand like clearing fog off of an upstate lake in the wake of a rainstorm.

01:18, John’s hand was frozen in place; clippers resting around the white wire at the ready position, but without the required pressure to snap it. The jolt transported John’s focus from the time bomb to his marriage counselor’s office. A cigarette steadily reducing itself to ashes burnt silently in a heavy clay ashtray. The faded leather chair’s arms were torn and chipped exposing an itchy filling material that gave him a rash. A half empty box of Kleenex next to his wife; rivers ran down the erosion lines of her cheeks pooling on the Oriental rug. The counselor was probing him to reveal himself, but John sat impotent and unable praying for the session to end.

Times up. John looked at the clock, 00:00. A pop sprung him from his wander and he snapped the cutters through the white wire, but it was too late. CS gas assaulted his airway like Russian MiGs. It was his third and final attempt to make the Squad. The CS sizzled against the tears welling in his eyes.

The Caped Tirader's Hideout

2009-06-11T08:59:00.002-04:00

Hey Tiraders,
I will be in Lake Placid, New York for a long weekend starting tonight so I won't be updating until next week. But don't worry, I'll be back faster than a speeding bullet...that shot and killed a stolen movie tag-line.

-CT

Getting a New Mattress Is A Serious Waste Of Money

2009-06-10T11:17:00.004-04:00

Today's ridiculous news story is out of Tel Aviv, Israel where a woman literally threw out her money with her mattress...is that a saying or is it only babies and bathwater?

Anyway, as the story goes, the woman, Anat, wanted to do something nice for her elderly mother so she surprised her with a brand new mattress. As any normal person would do, she threw out her mother's old one. She also, however, threw out her mother's $1 million life savings. Now the woman is apparently in a frantic state, tearing apart the local landfills, searching for Sealy's Shekel-pedic.

Ok, a few thoughts come to mind.

First, was her mother a drug dealer or a cartoon bank robber? It had to be one of the two because no one builds a life savings at Sleepy's Mattresses, Savings, & Loans. Then again I suppose any savings plan is better than what they offer at the West Bank (eew...that was just terrible)

Second, if she did indeed have that much money in her mattress and she recovers it, I'm pretty sure that the Israeli Federal Government is going to quickly snatch her up for tax evasion and take their 46% cut.

Third, if she has been sleeping on a mattress full of cash her whole life, then this lady's back must be tied in more knots than if Irina Vashchenko and Joseph Merrick had conjoined twins. I can't imagine that sleeping one a million bucks could possible make you wake up feeling like a million bucks, though I may be ready for the challenge.

Fourth, how incredibly shitty is this lady's timing that she threw away the old mattress and it was taken by the garbage men before her mother even realized what she'd done? She must have literally been running to the curb as they pulled up...which then calls into question whether this lady has the superhuman strength (like yours truly) necessary to run with a mattress in tow.

She is now searching through a dump that receives more than 2,500 tons of garbage per day and the landfill had to hire security to scare off hopeful Landfill Lottery winners. All I know is, she better find it soon because I am dusting off my cape (on Expedia) for a quick trip to Judea to do some "soul searching". The only question now is, do I need to check my shovel or is it carry-on?

Hopefully, I will emerge a millionaire! Until my return I bid you all Good night, Sleep Tight, and don't let the Ben Franklins bite. :)

I Wouldn't Eat That If I Were You

2009-06-09T10:25:00.004-04:00

I love fishing! To me, there is no better meal than catching a delicious bass, bringing it home, cooking it, and eating it. BUT it all depends upon where you choose to do you fishing. For instance, I wouldn't go to any lake in my home state and eat the fish I caught there. That's sad really, but let's save that for a different tirade.

I read a news story today about a fisherman named Rodney Soloman from Florida who, while fishing in the Gulf of Mexico, caught something you couldn't eat no matter where you hooked it, an air-to-air guided missile. Apparently he was fishing in an area where the Air Force tests missiles. I bet there are some tasty radiated treats there.

The crazy part of this story is that the missile was still LIVE and very UNSTABLE.

The craziest part of this story is that this genius landed the missile in his boat and then stayed out at sea for another 10 days prior to returning to shore and alerting anyone.

During a card game this weekend my uncle, as he racked a big pile of chips over to his seat after winning a hand he should have never been in, said "God looks out for the foolish." Now I don't know if that is true or not, but if it is, then that would explain how this guy managed to handle this missile and ride around with it in his boat for 10 days without becoming a fireworks show.

All of this brings me to another point. you never know what you might find in the ocean. Personally, I don't really go in the ocean. In a large ship maybe, but that’s about as far as I'll take it. You might say that oceans, and more specifically sharks, are like The Caped Tirader's kryptonite. I would lose all of my super powers other than the uncontrollable ability to piss my pants if I were to ever encounter a shark anywhere other than on a dinner plate (they eat us, so I eat them). What was my point? Oh yea...the ocean.

The ocean is so big and unpredictable that sometimes a entire aircraft can vanish and never to be heard from again, other times, people uncover military grade weapons.

I don't know what the lesson here is...I guess, if anyone out there notices an influx of shady looking fisherman in the Gulf area, they should alert the authorities as the fisherman might actually be organized terror groups looking to get their hands on some weapons on the cheap and sneaky.

In the meantime, anglers beware. You might be at risk of a little more than mercury poisoning the next time you land yourself a ~~missile~~ monster.

Let's Talk About Our Feelings

2009-06-08T08:34:00.007-04:00

First, I want to say sorry for slacking off last week. -Insert excuse here-.

Ok, now that I've taken care of that, I want to discuss something I read about this weekend that is so conceptually ridiculous and utterly idiotic that it makes me want to find its creators and ~~smack them~~ ask them to express how they feel and work with them towards finding a common ground through our differences of opinion.

What I read about is something called Consensual-Living. According to the creators of this group, consensual-living is "a process, a philosophy, a mindset by which we seek to live in harmony with our families and community." Sounds nice, right? Doesn't everyone want to live in harmony with their families’ and communities?

BUT what this really is is some quacky, hippy-ish, LaLa Land living nutjob's way of blurring the lines between the imperative authority role of a parent and the imperative subordinate role of a child. I am so sick of brainless parents trying to make everything equal and harmonious at the risk of common sense.

We live in a society where kids can fail all of their classes and still move on to the next grade because some parents fear that the embarrassment of being left back is worse than the risk of allowing a fucking moron to move along with his/her peers. RED INK sends kids the message that they got something wrong on a test so we shouldn't use it. Competition is unhealthy and elitist so lets give everyone a First Place trophy no matter how talented or untalented they are. All of these crackpot beliefs are destroying childrens' motivation and eliminating incentive to excel and will create a society of equally mediocre individuals if they aren't kept in check. Consensual-Living is no different.

The way it "works" is everyone in the household has an equal say with regard to the decision making in the house. I don't just mean both parents (as it should be). I mean parents and kids alike. So, take something as simple as setting a bedtime. Under this method, the parent needs to be considerate of how the child feels with regard to the bedtime set and must seriously and considerately entertain any potential objections by their child to this bedtime. WTF!? My guess is that the creators of this method of parenting were raised in strict households and are trying to get back at their parents by not actually parenting.

Look, I'm not saying that a parent shouldn't be considerate of their child's feelings, but this is kind of overboard.

The site continues by stating that punishments and rewards are just "tools of manipulation" and that it is important to let your child "explore their feelings" because they "know their body and their mind." So next time you are at the grocery store and your kid is acting like a complete maniac, crying and throwing a tantrum because you wouldn't buy them some crappy toy, you should calmly and respectfully allow them to express themselves...you may come to the realization that they have a valid point as to why they deserve a new toy. I mean if the incoherent screams of runny-nosed, defiant little bastards don't make you realize that you are indeed equals in the parent/child relationship, what will?

What this whole concept really does is ensure that kids, when they grow up, are unable to function in society like normal adults because in the real world, there are always hierarchies in which very few people have a say in what goes on and everyone else needs to follow suit or file out the door.

Perhaps at my next work meeting when my boss tells me that I'm not due for a raise or that I need to go finish up some work I'll throw a tantrum about how unfair and inconsiderate he is being...that should lift me a couple rungs up the ladder and get me a new office with a view

American Car Company Goes From GM to BM

2009-06-02T10:17:00.005-04:00

In the what is the latest proof that providing government bailouts to titanic-sized corporations that have hit a monetary iceberg doesn't work, General Motors has recently filed for bankruptcy protection and now the government (and we the people) own a majority share in it. What a shocker!

The once grand General Motors has been reduced to a worthless pile of BM...I don't mean shit, although my stomach is in knots over this. I mean Barack-Motors. That's right, GM is just the latest in a long list of government procurements which many say are aimed at ensuring more and more people are forced to suckle the government teet, all-the-while trying to give the appearance that they are "saving or creating jobs".

What does that even mean? Saving or creating? That is just a fluff statement with no actual facts behind it. Created jobs how? That statement is nonsensical and obtuse. Shit, I saved about 700 jobs this morning by not getting into a fatal car accident on my way to work.

But, I think its a good thing that the our government spent 20 billion of tax payer dollars to keep this shitty company afloat for a while. When you weigh the pros and cons, it was obviously the right choice and they should definitely provide a bailout for all failing companies, right?

Pros:
-Prolong a failing company's life by ~1 month by giving them $20 billion dollars of unchecked, unmonitored money to use for what they could only vaguely describe as "operating expenses" (which could only mean payoffs and light bills).

-Ummm....oddly, I can't think of any more other than the blatantly obvious sarcastic one above.

Cons:
-Adding billions of dollars to a National debt which has each and every American family on the hook for ~ $546,668 per household.

-Ensuring that future Americans are born in a stranglehold of debt for decades to come.

- Not actually regulating the ways in which the appropriated funds could be spent by these companies.

-Not actually saving these companies or the jobs within them.

I know there are many people out there who are going to immediately, and somewhat-wrongfully, take this blog as a stab at B.O. Barackus and, immediately thereafter, start screaming out something about the policies of the past, or ...of the last eight years, which has become the default response to any questions raised in an attempt to shift focus. Look, I DO recognize those past policies for what they were; terribly horrible spending habits. Bush was extremely wasteful with our money. The wasteful spending by our government at the expense of the citizens is nothing new. And that, most of us can agree on.

But then why would it be okay for this president to continue down this path of reckless spending without the same scrutiny? Where is the honesty and logic in that? There is a lot of blame for our debt to be spread around and that should be addressed, but we first need to reign in the government's spending and allow the economy to stabilize naturally. That has to start with our current administration. Then, we can debate blame.

In order to be intellectually honest, one group can't vilify another for blindly following a man down one path, and then, directly afterward, blindly follow another man down a similarly irresponsible path.

Everyone with basic brain functions can comprehend the notion that you can't get out of debt through needless/reckless spending; and we will never recover from the strain of this debt with a J. Wellington Wimpy approach of we'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a bailout today. We will surely drown if this spending continues to go unchecked.

So, here we are, Stakeholders in a major car company. I expect that our company cars, blackberries, and petty cash will be in the mail shortly.

LIMB-OH

2009-06-01T08:49:00.004-04:00

There is almost nothing I hate more than when people file frivilous malpractice suits. They cost the public tons of money. However, legitimate lawsuits need to be handled accordingly. I read a tragic story in the News over the weekend about a Florida woman, Lisa Strong, who is in limbo awaiting a second chance trial over a series of misdiagnoses that cost her, her limbs. Strong went into the hospital with an easily treatable kidney stone, but left having to have both of her arms and legs amputated because the moron doctors there didn't treat the stone. Subsequently, the stone became infected and she went into septic shock. Where'd these doctors get there medical licenses? My guess is either online or the Cayman Islands. I am truly stumped as to how a mistake like this could take place. (Sorry, I couldn't help myself).

Strong filed a malpractice suit against these Dr. Carve-orkians for what was cited by everyone involved as "profound errors" and a series of miscommunications, and had the Docs pointing their still perfectly attached fingers at one another accusatorily. Sounds like an open and shut case to me, but of course it wasn't.

The idiocy of the doctors was matched by the jurors who were armed with a leg's length of evidence against the doctor's, but ruled against Strong. Seriously, I don't know who was more useless in that case. The jurors or the terrible prosecutor that picked these buffoons to hear it. Luckily, at least the judge had enough sense to reject the juror's decision and order a new trial.

But, the damage has obviously already been done. Strong, a mother of two, is now a quadruple amputee. She owes over $850,000 in medical expenses. And, to top it all off, her marriage has since fallen apart. I really feel horrible for this woman! Hopefully the jury for this 2nd trial won't be full of morons and this lady will receive some helpful hands.

I guess the lesson here is, I don't know...sticks and stone may break your bones, but kidney stones can cause you to go to a hospital full of shitty doctors who have a penchant for amputating limbs rather than diagnosing you properly.

Too bad we aren't newts.

CONDOM-SHMONDOM

2009-05-28T10:51:00.007-04:00

I read about a study that was performed by a sex researcher named Rachel Jones claiming that, when used properly, the ever so taboo "pull-out" method of birth control, or as I so cleverly and disgustingly just decided to call it: the back off--on back method, is just as effective in reducing pregnancy as a condom is. My first instinct is disbelief.

Jones' conclusion is based on personal studies on monogamous couples who are not at risk of STD's, and who perform this act correctly, every time; and data generated by the Guttmacher Institute. The results? Well, according to Ms. Jones, with perfect use, withdrawal has a 4% failure rate, condoms have a 2%percent failure rate. She goes on to say, though, that nobody is perfect and the actual failure rates for these methods are 18% and 17% respectively. There is no way that there is only a 1% difference here.

Let’s ignore the fact that this study is ridiculous for a second and address the idea that condoms, during typical use, fail 17% of the time!! That seems like a ridiculously high and scary number to me.

Ok back to the main topic. Of course, since the release of this study, there has been tremendous backlash from a lot of different people (not just from abstinence only groups). Furthermore, there are plenty of studies with contradicting conclusions. So, I suppose the truth with regard to the effectiveness of this method literally lies in the hands of the penis-puller-outer as its all about aim and timing. Miss by and inch, miss by nine months.

There is a fear that surrounds promoting the "safety" of bare-backing it. The story tries to mitigate that fear by directing it towards monogamous couples only. However, many people believe this information will cause young adults/teens to be less responsible with sex, thereby causing more teen pregnancies. Personally, I'm not certain teens these days could be less responsible than they already are considering risky sexual activity among them is at an all time high.

Furthermore, no matter what information is out there and "what the data shows", people are going to do what ever they want to do, and are going to do "IT" in the manner they see fit. Anything short of an Enter At Your Own Risk sign fastened to a woman's pelvis is probably not going to cause a guy to think twice about throwing on a condom if he wasn't already going to. And to be honest, even that wouldn't work.

Perhaps a Surgeon General's warning detailing the potential side effects of a sexual-alleyway misfire would help.

WARNING: Using the pull-out method may be hazardous to the future of your wallet for the next 18 years. Pulling-out incorrectly may cause complications such as pregnancy, prolonged cancerous relationships, and high blood pressure.

Hey...it worked really well to reduce smoking, right?

Kim Jong IL-Communication

2009-05-26T10:55:00.003-04:00

So, North Korea just keeps testing more and more short-range missiles. And the United Nations in typical fashion keeps holding press conferences stating that this is not acceptable, it won't be tolerated, and the international community won't be intimidated...and then doing absolutely nothing to put an end to the testing. Oh, wait...I'm mistaken.

The U.N. DID pass a "non-binding statement of criticism" against North Korea's nuclear tests. Boy oh Boy those U.N. officials can really lay a smackdown on dictators who violate international laws - some people think waterboarding is harsh, but typing out a letter of disappointment...

If the U.N. continues to express these harsh public scoldings towards Pyongyang, then the North Koreans win. (~end sarcasm)

What a useless group of self-indulgent, pompous jackasses. There is no appeasing a guy like Kim Jong-Il. He's like an Asian Napoleon, only shorter and more strokey.

Many analysts believe these missile launches are just ploys to gain bargaining power for the six-party nuclear talks because talking and rationalization obviously works well when dealing with delusional psychopaths (look up NNPT).

Look, I'm not saying that North Korea poses the biggest threat in the world. In less than 60 seconds we could wipe them from the history books- I am not suggesting that this is a great idea either. But, there are only so many times you can put a misbehaving child like Ill-Jong on a time out before you gotta give him a little swat on the ass and take away his toys.

I really wish the powers that be can come up with ways to transform guys like Kim Jong-Il from tyrannical maniacs into rational and humane members of society, but I don't live in La-La-Land. In the meantime, real world problems need to be dealt with according to their threat. If it is determined that North Korea's firework show is less threatening than a sparkler, then stop giving Ill-Jong encouragement with all this News coverage. If it's determined that he could do more damage than an M-80 in a toilet bowl, then let’s squash him like the bug that he is and provide aide to the citizens of that shithole.

Either way, this creep needs to be monitored closely and dealt with in a manner that is less concerned with his feelings and more concerned with global security.

They Musta BEEn Swarming to Get the New World of Warcraft Expansion

2009-05-26T09:06:00.006-04:00

The buzz about World of Warcraft is nothing new. Though I don't get what's so great about it personally, it generates something like $150,000,000 per month and has created an enormous community of people who would rather live in a fantasy world than in real life. Gamers infest their local video stores in swarms to snatch up the latest expansion pack releases of this garbage.

This weekend a GameStop store in Union Square, New York was swarmed by a different type of pest, a swarm of bees. These bees apparently had trapped employees inside and gamers locked outside for a few hours.

I would think that a scenario like this would be a geeky gamer-employee's dream as he would then be able to live out some sad live action role playing fantasy where he could finally stand against evil, wield the sword of a thousand truths, and destroy those miniature dragons; thus saving the World...of GameStop. This however is not how it played out. It seems that these employees were noobs when it came to taking action in real life as they instead cowered in the corner of the store until a bee specialist, ~~Randy Marsh~~ Tony Planakis, could be called in to drain the bees of their Mana...After the ordeal an employee was asked what he would do now to which he replied "Now I can finally play the game."

Real Men Wear Pink...And An M-60

2009-05-22T11:24:00.003-04:00

In light of the upcoming Memorial Day weekend, I thought it would be fitting to give praise to our brave and honorable brothers and sisters in arms. Our soldiers rarely receive the gratitude they deserve, nor do they ask for it. It is their selflessness, courage, and their unrelenting bonds to one another that make them truly remarkable human beings.

In the News today, there is an article about one such individual, Specialist Zachery Boyd. Specialist Boyd is a soldier out of Fort Worth Texas who, like many of his fellow soldiers, is currently on the frontline fighting battles in Afghanistan.

As the story goes, on May 11th Boyd was asleep in his rack when the Taliban attacked his base and a firefight ensued. Awoken by the gunfire and only thinking of helping defend his post, he darted from his rack; grabbed his M-60, Flak jacket, and his Kevlar; and rushed out to the firing line to assist his brothers. Oh...did I mention he wasn't wearing any pants? That's right, no pants. Just a pair of pink I Love NY boxers, red t-shirt, and shower shoes.

That, my friends, is sensibility. No, I'm not talking about fashion. I mean, being abruptly woken up and having the wherewithal to grab only what is essential to assist in his mission...protecting his brothers.

Though this story is certainly more amusingly lighthearted than most stories of battle, the courage displayed is certainly not unique to that one day. Day in and day out our soldiers bravely face and overcome immeasurable struggles during battles in the name of Freedom. Let's not forget that. Specialist Boyd epitomizes this bravery in battle, and he managed to do the impossible...make pink boxers look tough.

Well done Specialist! We are indebted to our Armed Services. I wish a safe return home to you all.

An Iron Fisting

2009-05-21T10:47:00.006-04:00

I'll bet many of you out there will be shocked to hear a story involving rape and the Catholic Church as this notion seems inconceivable. I mean, a man of the cloth raping and beating young children? No way! Did I lay the sarcasm on thick enough here?

Well, it just so happens that yesterday, a News story unfolded about a Catholic "reform" school in Dublin where the priests were re-forming more than just the little boys minds. After a 9-year investigation, a 2,600 page report was released detailing decades of rape and physical abuse, allegedly perpetrated by the priests running the school, on the students (many of whom are now between the ages of 50-80). Furthermore, the report implicates the Catholic religious orders as knowingly covering up crimes committed by these priest-o-philes.

I am sure that some of you out there are not going to appreciate the cynicism in today's blog, but let's be honest; there are a lot of child molestation cases involving priests out there and, in them, the priests are not looking much like angels. It isn't my intention to vilify any religion or its followers as there are many important lessons to be learned from them. Unfortunately, the only lesson I can learn from a story like this is that Pedophiles Eat For Free At The Tabernacle.

I feel horrible for these people who have had to live with this shame. And due to the whole Irish Guilt thing, many of them probably felt like it was all their fault.

The thing I don't understand about this is how a priest can feel justified in offering a child morality and ethics with one hand and a handjob with the other hand. Is it just me or does that seem conflicting? I understand that the religious doctrines supersede the actions of man in the laws of faith and, therefore, should not be the main focus of scrutiny (for now); but priests with holy hard-ons make it that much ~~harder~~ more difficult for kids to find faith. How can we expect children to believe the mantras "God is good” and "God watches over us all" if that then means that God is watching them be beaten and molested? Whether you are a believer or a non-believer, it doesn't take divine knowledge to understand that this is a serious problem that needs to be addressed to restore faith, whether that be in faith in God or faith in humanity.

Can We Please Just Execute This Guy?

2009-05-20T12:41:00.006-04:00

Yeah, I said it. I believe in the justice system, but every once in a while there comes along a person that needs to be put out of the Earth's misery. Today that man is 34-year old Angel Vidal Mendoza, a wheelchair ridden junkie from Bakersfield, California.

The charges against this vile waste of life? He allegedy got high on PCP, BIT his 4-year old son's left eye out, mutilated the other; and then proceeded to try to chop off his own limp legs with an axe. Reason enough for the death penalty? I think so, but with over well 600 people on Death Row in California, it is unlikely that this son of a bitch will see the fate that fits him.

I suggest that the state circumvents this problem by sitting this guy and his chair in a puddle and wiring it up to a light switch.

How is this poor little kid going to be expected to become a productive member of society?

I really don't even have anything else to say about this.

I Ain't Sayin She's A Gold Digger

2009-05-20T10:01:00.005-04:00

In what may just be the most fantastic Sports News story involving the Mets since Bill Buckner, a fan a Citi Field had to be rescued from the lady's bathroom yesterday after she got her arm stuck in the toilet.

The unidentified woman's arm became lodged in the toilet's drain when she attempted to stop one of her gold teeth from being flushed. This is just disgusting and hilarious all at the same time. This moron literally tried to dig her tooth from a public toilet. Gross! I wouldn't put my hand in my own toilet if the cure for colon cancer was swirling towards the sewers to be lost forever, let alone reach into a public one for molar that wouldn't even be worth its weight in gold to the Tooth Fairy.

What was she going to do if she got it? Put it back in her mouth? Her dentist would certainly tell her she needed to floss more during her next visit...ok, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I wonder if her dental insurance covers stupidity.

Anyway, this genius was sitting there on the bathroom floor with her hand stuck in the commode screaming for help, and because it has an automatic trigger, it kept flushing. I imagine it looked sort of like the toilet, in an attempt to find out where the rest of the gold was hidden, was subjecting her arm to Chinese_Water_Torture. Security came to help her but could not break her free from the drain. So, they called in a plumber who I'm guessing used a giant plunger and industrial strength Drano to dislodge her...or not. All I wanna know is where is the Youtube video of this?

I wonder if this lady is going to try to sue the Mets organization. She might be able to hire one of the idiot ACLU lawyers that are leveraging those waterboarding cases.

BOOB-ILLOGICAL Clock

2009-05-14T08:09:00.008-04:00

It seems over the past few days there has been a running theme in my blog. That theme, pointing out the madness that is Japanese invention.

The Boobie prize for today's madness goes to the inventor of the Husband-Hunting Bra. This bewildering boulder holder is more than just a bewildering holder of boulders. It comes equipped with its very own biological clock that will continuously count down until the woman wearing it gets engaged and sticks the engagement ring in a slot between her...boobs. Seriously, this thing looks like a Taliban-merchandiser’s attempt at a sexy-suicide vest marketed towards female Jihadists.

I can only assume that if the woman wearing this bra doesn't get engaged before the clock strikes zero, her eggs, in an attempt to die with honor, would commit Seppuku and the bra-cups would viciously Tune In Tokyo like some sort of crazy Saw movie scenario.

The inspiration for this ticking ~~tit~~ time-bomb appears to be the increasingly lower marriage rates in Japan. I don't see how a woman wearing a clock of desperation would more ably secure a husband then one who say...wore no bra at all. If they really wanted to make these things appealing to men they should add more functions to the clock. Perhaps a screen on which to play Call of Duty, or maybe equip it with Wi-Fi so we could get updated sports scores. (Was that overtly degrading enough to make my point about how ridiculous this product is?)

Women all over Japan are showing their support for this supporter. I guess the lesson learned here is that Japanese men can no longer get their milk for free.

The Teach-inator

2009-05-13T08:58:00.004-04:00

If there is one thing that Sci-fi films have taught me, its that the complete takeover and extermination of human civilization by machines is not only inevitable, but long overdue. And when the time comes, we will have Japan to thank for it all.

In an attempt not to be outdone by this guy with his robotic girlfriend, Aiko, a group of developers in Tokyo, who are obviously working for Skynet, have created Saya; a sophisticated robot programmed to be a substitute elementary school teacher.

I can only imagine that Kyle Reese is rolling around in his grave right now as we are seemingly one step closer to Judgment Day. Though Saya is far from fully functional, and not nearly as pretty as Aiko (...umm what?) "she" has been a big hit in the classrooms. Robo-teach is really just a puppet being controlled by what I can only assume is a teacher who was too lazy to change out of her pajamas and get to work. BUT this is how it always begins...Pretty soon we'll be so reliant on machines for everything, we will become obsolete.

The good News in all of this is that the logical next invention to come about is time travel; which we will need to utilize in order to send someone back to stop the creation of these electronic educators. Personally, I can't wait for that because I always wished I had seen The Terminator in the theater... and that might be my only chance.

For The Love Of Mommy ...Money

2009-05-12T08:49:00.008-04:00

Enter, 61 year-old Penelope Sharon Jordan of Florida.

In response to an odd disturbance call, local police arrived at Jordan's home to find a bunch of cats hanging around one of the bedroom windows. Upon entering the house, they found the decaying body of Jordan's mother. Crazy? Just keep reading.

In what sounds like something from an Alfred Hitchcock movie, Jordan told the police that her mother had died in 2003. 2003! That means that she's been keeping her mother's rotting corpse in a bed in her house for 6 years. Can we say Psycho?

Now is that love or what? Well, not exactly. Though the loss of a loved one can be very difficult to handle, for some, the loss of the loved one's income can be more difficult. It seems that Jordan had been keeping her ~~Mummy's~~...That’s, mommy's death a secret in order to continue to collect her Social Security and military survivor's benefits to the tune of $200,000. That sounds rational to me...200 grand is a lot of money.

Needless to say, she is being indicted, but the weird thing about the article is it doesn't say anything about the stench that this lady's corpse must have been letting off; which I can only imagine smelled something like fresh cut roses in the Spring-time...that were placed next to a SIX-YEAR-OLD CORPSE! Yuck.

How is it that there is no mention of the stench other than the allusion that this sweet smell is what drew the cats to the house in the first place. I mean, did the cops on the case have a cold? Because I'm pretty sure that decaying flesh could probably clear up you sinuses. If only she had taken a cue from Norman Bates and hid her mother in the fruit cellar. That might have kept the cats away and the checks a'coming.

Personally, I'd be waay to scared to keep a dead body in my house. Not out of fear of being caught. But because I watch waay too many Horror movies and would be nervously awaiting a zombie apocalypse.

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSTRE5473JM20090508

Well...Breakfast IS The Most Important Meal

2009-05-11T08:48:00.005-04:00

Last week, I featured a story about a restaurant in California that found the image of the Virgin Mary burned into a pancake griddle and caused a big stir amongst believers in breakfast food miracles.

The attention that Mary got over the past week must have ruffled some feathers as it seems that GOD, in an effort to show up Mary, has appeared in , not one, but 3 pieces of fried salami in South Florida. Well he didn't show up per se, he instead tagged each piece with a letter, spelling out his name.

The real miracle here is that Nancy Simoes, the woman who discovered this appearance, happened to flip over the salami in the correct order to spell out his name. There would have been some terrible confusion and no doubt an explosion of Canine Worshipping Cults had the woman picked up the salami in the reverse order.

Simoes, obviously devoutly religious, said that she is planning on selling the salami on Ebay to try to profit from this 'miracle'. I wonder if she will donate 10% of the remaining salami to the church as a tithing.

Strangely enough, I witnessed an anti-miracle while I was eating breakfast this morning. Lucifer appeared in my Alphabits Cereal. I wonder what I could get for that...OH NO!! I used a double-coupon to buy the cereal...does that mean I sold my soul?

This Is Your Mom's Brain On Drugs

2009-05-08T12:29:00.002-04:00

A woman in Oklahoma was sentenced yesterday to 10 years for being a despicable human being. More specifically, Caroline Beavers, a disgusting pig and 'mother' to a 7-year-old boy with Downs Syndrome, was sentenced for allowing another filthy pig to blow weed smoke into her son's face; all while video taping it so they could enjoy the abuse late and at their leisure.

Morons!! Ok, before I tirade about how badly this burned-out broad and her trashy friend need to be removed from society, first I'd like to ask the following: when are criminals going to figure out you shouldn't video tape yourself committing a crime?

Okay, with this particular brand of stupid and unbelievably tasteless there really isn't anything funny...

I know you can't control who breeds and who doesn't, but seriously, can there be some exceptions? Here is my suggestion:

If you have been convicted of a serious crime involving the endangerment of children, then you don't get to have kids. Plain and simple

If you have murdered someone...no kids

Pedophiles...no kids

You don't agree with me...no kids! Alright, maybe that's taking it too far and when we aren't careful, that's how blanket rulings like that get out of hand.

Anyway, these two slobs are just two more people that I believe wouldn't be missed. Good riddance...you're lucky its not 100 years.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

He Used To Love Her, But He Had To Kill Her

2009-05-08T08:40:00.003-04:00

In what has always seemed to me like the biggest open and shut murder case since Detective Nordberg killed that cocktail waitress for sleeping around with that out-of-work model, police have finally charged Drew Peterson with the murder of his 3rd wife Kathleen Savio.

At first, the police thought the drowning death of Savio was an accident. Not to say that the officers on the case were negligent, but I suspect the crime scene conversation went something like this:

41 year old female. Found drowned in her bathtub. We found Saran Wrap over her mouth and nose, a boot print on her chest, and an electric cord - one end leading to a toaster in the water, the other into an outlet. Obviously accidental. No foul play.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't that obvious, but it took the disappearance of Peterson's 4th wife (Stacy) before the cops revisited Savio's drowning as a possible homicide.

The most amazing thing about the entire case is how shamelessly cocky Peterson has been throughout these investigations. He has turned himself into somewhat of a celebrity. Appearing on talk shows, being followed by paparazzi, dating hot young chicks with daddy-complexes and a penchant for being masticated.

Recently, Peterson was even going to start working for the Cathouse brothel in Vegas which is the dream gig for an old man who likes to sleep with and then kill young girls. For one, its probably waay easier to just dig a hole in the desert than it was for him to stage a drowning. Besides, what happens in Vegas, blah-blah-blah.

The problem is, that the cops still don't really have any evidence connecting Peterson to the murder, and his lawyer will probably use the Chewbacca defense so he'll walk.

"Ladies and gentleman of this supposed blog, the cops would like you to believe that Drew killed those stinky bitches years ago, and they make a good case. I almost felt pity myself... (Think about this though)Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. That does not make senses... None of this makes sense...If Chewbacca live on Endor, you must acquit"

Hey everybody..."look at the monkey." Man, I hope this guy fries...even if by some odd chance he didn't do it, he's a remorseless scumbag.

(Quote and picture modified from: South Park, 1998)

Are You Gelling?

2009-05-07T14:40:00.007-04:00

It seems that the TV show House is on so many times per day that real life has begun to imitate it. During one episode, House and company had to figure out why a little girl was sick, and why her brother was having spastic outrages. Ultimately, House figured out the problem when he saw the dad's girlfriend's upper lip and realized she'd been fighting an army of invading mustache hairs.

The problem was steroid gel, which is used by men who want to be able to hit more homeruns ...I don't mean to be like A-Rod. I mean so they can get a Rod.

I read on CBS News today that the FDA put out a warning to adults who use this gel that they need wash their hands thoroughly and be very careful that children don't come in contact with the areas where it had recently been applied which, before you get grossed out, is usually on the shoulders and not the shaft. I find that odd... You rub something on your shoulder to make your penis stiff. Why doesn't it make your shoulder stiff?

The article said that the potential side effects were: "enlargement of the genital organs, aggressive behavior, early aging of the bones, premature growth of pubic hair, and increased sexual drive." Other side effects include: the development of Mickey Mouse hands, a lifetime membership to Gold's Gym, and a reduction in the ability to tie their shoes.

Parents need to be more responsible for their actions with regard to their child’s safety. Common sense should take care of most of this. If not, here are some steps to remember:
Step 1: apply gel
Step 2: Stay away from your kids
Step 3: have sex
Step 4: Rinse well and repeat as necessary

That should cover it. This will help keep your kid from looking like a Lou Ferrigno-midget. If you can't remember those simple steps then look on the bright side, at least other kids won't try to fuck with yours on the playground anymore.

Hey...Who Ordered the Vanilla Shake?

2009-05-06T08:47:00.003-04:00

I try not to think about it too much when I go to restaurants, but somewhere in the back of my head there is an imagination reel streaming a video where the cooks screw with my food. I don't know if it started with the movie Waiting, but it certainly didn't help.

Speaking of screwing and food, I read an article yesterday on NBC news that a 7-year-old girl in Switzerland found a CONDOM in her McDonald's fries essentially turning her Happy Meal into a Happy-Ending Meal. Yuck! A Happy Meal with a free condom. That's like a pedophile's starter kit...van not included. Talk about gross.

When they find the disgrace that thought it would be funny to replace the My Little Pony with a Trojan in a kids Happy Meal, they should charge him/her with some sort of perversion crime and lock him/her away for a long time! Okay, I'm sure it wasn't a My Little Pony toy but it helped the joke so go with it.

The article says that police are analyzing the condom to determine if it poses a health risk. Poses a health risk? The only two scenarios where I can see this being the case are A: If the girl is allergic to latex, or B: The condom was used which introduces the chance of person to person disease transmission AND increases the level of GROSS! The article does not, however, include some important details.

It says the little girl discovered the condom, but I don't think that a normal 7-year old knows what that is...so, is she just terribly over educated about sex, or did she discover what she thought was a balloon?

Also, it doesn't say whether or not the condom was used. If it was then maybe they should take a few notes from one of the 200 CSI shows on TV and analyze the secret sauce.

No matter how this story unfurls, someone needs to be held accountable, unless McDonalds decides to adopt this idea and turn it into a meal. They can call it the new McRibbed...for your stomachs pleasure

Stand Still Lest You Break Your Hymen

2009-05-05T12:00:00.006-04:00

Reuters reported today that in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia(home of our great 'allies') the Ministry of Municipal and Rural Affairs started a movement to shut down women's gyms. What would cause them to want to do this? Well, other than the fact that they are, in a psychological sense, a few virgins short of a harem over there, members of the Ministry are afraid that with all of the physical activity inside these gyms, females will be at risk of breaking things.

Namely, their hymens.

Ministry member Sheikh Abdullah al-Maneea stated "excessive movement may harm girls who are still virgins, possibly causing them to lose their virginity." Thus, I guess, making them impure and no longer marriage material.

What I've learned from this story is that Saudi's don't care how out of shape their women are as long as they weren't screwed by a jumping-jack.

Women in the region have been resisting this ridiculous movement against them, but I think that any resistant action short of them racing a bunch of camels bare-back won't be enough.

*****

In a semi-related story from the same region a 50 year old man has decided to divorce his NINE-YEAR-OLD wife. Not because she is NINE and he is a disgusting predator. And not because the laws over there prohibit a man from marrying someone who was negative 41-years old when he was born- because they don't.

The decision to divorce was made due to criticism he was facing from the rag-tag group of morons otherwise known as the United Nations (finally doing something at least partially right). The marriage contract was set up by this poor girl’s father when she was 8. Nothing says love like a father trading his daughter to a man old enough to be HIS father.

Apparently there are no age restrictions with regard to marriage contracts. Luckily there is a law that says "he would not be permitted to live with her or consummate the marriage until she had reached puberty” Yeah...that makes it all better. Seems to me this pervert just didn't want to wait a couple of years.

So what is there to learn from this?

First, I know it isn't 'PC' but some cultures are just about as backwards as you can get...

Second, that it is probably WAAAAY better to join a gym and hope for a grand 'pop', then to be sold into what is practically child slavery and be violated by a Grandpop.

eeeew....

Our Lady of GRIDDLE-Lupe

2009-05-04T10:06:00.006-04:00

Just as churches reach their all time low for religious service attendance and atheism reaches its all time high for deity denial, the truth has been revealed. That revelation happened just two days ago in Calexico, California where Our 'Lady of Guadalupe' manifested on a pancake griddle at the Las Palmas Restaurant.

I know what you are thinking...you're not doubting the Virgin Mary's return, but you refuse to believe that the mother of immaculate conception would appear as a stain on a griddle used to make breakfast pastries first created by Ancient Roman Pagans. Talk about blaspheming!

Ah..but it is true. According to the Associated Press, the Virgin Mary really gets around. After her failed attempts to gain notoriety for appearing on toast and in the form of a twisted pretzel, Mary was running out of options. But rather than calling in a favor to Hef, or working with Barrie Bernstein to spin the new reality TV show Real Housewives of Nazareth, Mary creped...ummm that's "creeped", into the Las Palmas and burned herself right into the restaurant's griddle.

I'd bet my last silver dollar that this is, in fact, not the Virgin Mary, but there are people who have come to Las Palmas in short stacks to see this so called miracle, which has since been enshrined, who would disagree with me...people like Mexican Lucha Libre wrestlers Renegado and Mr. Tempest, who are likely also fryers...I mean FRIARS, which I learned from Jack Black is sometimes the case. So maybe they know what they are talking about.

Look, I am not saying anything for or against the religious beliefs of others. I am just saying that anyone who believes that the mother of the son of the God in their religion, would appear on a griddle in some crummy restaurant, in a town next to nowhere, rather than, say, on the stage of the American 'Idol' finale, is stupid.

It Must Feel Like A Bomb Is About To Go Off

2009-04-30T11:49:00.008-04:00

The Smoking Gun (Smoking Gun story) reported the other day that Terry Nichols, convicted murderer and accomplice to Timothy McVeigh, is suing the prison in which he resides for serving low-fiber diets which have caused him to have "chronic constipation, bleeding, hemorrhoids."

Ok, first of all, this shit head and McVeigh murdered 168 people making them public enema #1. The fact that they feed him anything on our dollar is beyond me. Secondly, who is the scumbag lawyer who is taking up this shitty case?

In his complaint Nichols wrote: "God created mankind to consume unrefined whole foods" that work "in a synergistic way to keep one's body (i.e. God's holy temple) in good health to ward off various diseases."

So what he is saying is, that he blew up 168 Holy Temples. I love it how guys like this try to 'find religion' and then distort Biblical text to support their insignificant plight. Maybe, he has found religion...Maybe the chronic constipation is really just a resurrection of the pain Christ felt...his bleeding ass - the stigmata...and his hemorrhoids- well, probably just hemorrhoids.

Not surprisingly, this idiot's complaint has drawn support from other murderers including Eric Rudolph, better known as the scum that set off bombs in abortion clinics and at the 1996 Summer Olympics in Atlanta. With support like that, Nichols should be feeling soft and loose...About the case that is.

What Do You Have On Draught

2009-04-29T08:45:00.004-04:00

I read an article from the Associated Press this morning about police officers in North Dakota who responded to a domestic disturbance call made by a woman(Stacey Anvarnia) claiming that she was beaten by her boyfriend (Delbert Harrison). When they got to the scene, they came across a bruised-up and allegedly intoxicated Anvarnia who, in the middle of questioning, whipped out her boob and began breastfeeding her 6 week old kid; and I immediately asked myself the same question you are asking...Could that get me drunk? Good question and the answer is; it depends on how much you like egg nog; which is my guess as to what that would be like.

To answer everyone's second question; yes, they charged this lady with criminal negligence. The thing is, the cops didn't give her a blood test to determine her level of intoxication. My guess is that one of the officers just stuck his head under the tap and took a shot, though that assumption wasn't confirmed in the article.

Aside from the fairly universal fact that any woman who dispenses alcohol from her boobs is a fulfillment of male fantasy; if Anvarnia is guilty of these charges, she is just sick and enraging. Just another unfit mother contributing to the destruction of a child's life.

The strange thing about this whole story is that neither the article nor the police incident report say whether Anvarnia's boyfriend was charged. I guess the lure of boobs and booze is so powerful over us all that even the cops forgot why they initially went there...